Merciful Wisdom

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

There was a reason God took my husband sooner than I had hoped. One I didn't realize until just recently. 

My sister holds a PhD in Experimental Psychology, the study of human development focusing on the brain. I shared my husband’s MRI brain scans with her. She pointed out other abnormalities in the scans besides the cancer. The brain surgeon didn't address them. He focused on the tumor, the acute, life-threatening issue.

However, the abnormalities, unusual dark spots, my sister diagnosed were signs of early dementia. So, even if the cancer had not taken my husband, it was likely he would have suffered from another form of deterioration. Only divine wisdom understood which course was the most merciful.

In our limited knowledge, we look at the immediate, the current circumstances and make judgements and choices based on them, not realizing there’s always more that we cannot see or understand. 

All that leads us back to prayer, discernment, and following God’s will even when it hurts. We don’t know if this current tragedy is saving us or our loved ones from even worse circumstances. My husband would not have wanted the slow deterioration and to become a burden on me. Nor would I have wanted to lose him twice. Once to dementia and then to death.

I pray God will always give me the strength and the faith to surrender to His will. God never makes mistakes. He is never wrong. He is merciful, wanting what is ultimately best for us and those we love.

Dear Lord, thank you for your mercies, even if they appear as additional suffering. Amen.

A Repurposed Life

Image by Island Born from Pixabay

My life has changed so many times, but this new change seems harder. The other times I had a husband or children to care for, which gave me a continued purpose while I navigated the change. This time, I have neither, and I feel a little lost.

I’ve prayed about it, and God seems to have answered through a devotion in Our Daily Bread.

“God repurposes the lives of those he has called.”

According to the dictionary, the word repurpose is a verb with two meanings.

1.     To reuse for a different purpose on a long-term basis without alteration.

2.     To alter to make more suited for a different purpose.

The Bible is filled with stories of lives God repurposed to accomplish his will. For example, Joseph went from slave to ruler, and David went from shepherd to king.    

I’m not sure what my repurposed life will look like. I doubt it will be as monumental as Joseph’s or David’s. Still, I wonder if it will continue as it has for the last eleven months, or will it change to something I can’t even imagine in the coming new year?

That’s both exciting and scary. Yes, I know God has already prepared this new walk of life, but we humans fear the unknown despite our profession of faith. However, I must remember God has told me, ^“…I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

So, use me, Lord, for whatever purpose fulfills your will.

Amen.

 

 

Obedience

 

Image by stempow from Pixabay

After my third husband passed away, I planned to live the rest of my life alone, but as I have written before, God had other plans.

When He orchestrated the meeting with the man He intended me to marry, I didn’t understand. This man didn’t believe in attending church. In fact, his opinion was jaded from dealing with pastors and other so-called-Christians during his law enforcement career. My previous husbands were devout men, but God took them from me, and now He wanted me to marry a man who was opposed to attending church?

God answered my question in an unusual way.

I went to lunch with a friend. She invited a woman whom I had never met, stating her friend asked to speak with me. She had an answer to my question. "Read 1 Peter: 3:1.”

I frowned. What question was she referring to? I’d not said a word about anything personal.

Puzzled, I opened my Bible the moment I returned home.

“In like manner also let wives be subject to their husbands: that if any believe not the word, they may be won without the word, by the conversation of the wives.”

Even so, I was unwilling to continue in a relationship where I had to hide my faith, and I shared my faith testimony with my soon to be husband. It shook him to the core, and he broke off our relationship. I was devastated. How could I have been so wrong to believe this was the man God wanted me to marry?

Later that evening, my soon to be husband came to the house and asked to talk. “I love you too much too lose you. Although, I do not share your faith, I promise to never stand in the way of you practicing your faith and attending church.”

 Deciding to obey God despite my confusion, I accepted my husband’s proposal. He has been a wonderful partner and companion, and has never broken his promise to support my faith. In return, I prayed for his conversion for twenty-two years.

A year ago, to my surprise, my husband announced he would escort me to church. He was sure some of the men were flirting with me. While flattering he thought I was still attractive enough to draw that kind of attention. I assured him no one was flirting. He still insisted he’d attend with me. I agreed, figuring getting him inside a church for any reason was a good start.

For the first year, he brought a book and read during the service. Then one Sunday, he didn’t bring his book but remained sitting during the songs of praise. Six months later, he stood when we sang. Earlier this year, he announced he wanted a Bible. He sat for over an hour researching Bibles with a retired pastor with whom he had become acquainted at our church. After deciding on one, he followed through and ordered it.

Last Sunday, my husband took communion. It was hard not to express my joy. (He'd be embarrassed if I drew attention.) But I couldn't stop a few tears. 

Later at home, I privately congratulated him on taking communion.

His response, “It felt right.”

It took twenty-plus years, but God fulfilled His promise. But doesn’t He, always?

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the faith to obey when I didn’t understand and the strength to keep praying even as the years continued to pass with no hint of answered prayer. Amen. 

A Sign?

 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

In August of this year, Pastor Andy retired, and the pastoral committee brought in Pastor Jon. In the first weeks Pastor Jon requested a meeting with each member. He wanted to hear our faith testimonies and ask how he might serve us.

I was baptized at a very young age, which Pastor Andy accepted when I joined the church. Pastor Jon, however, encourages me to be baptized again as an adult.

I am reticent because I have a phobia about standing in front of crowds. Funny, I can bare my soul in my writing but can’t stand in front of my congregation.  

After hearing my testimony of faith, all the signs and wonders God has given me, Pastor Jon said, “I know God will tell you His opinion on the matter, when He does, come talk to me.”

As I’ve posted before, I’ve been sick and out of town for several weeks. Last Sunday was the first time I’ve attended church services for three weeks. Halfway through the service, the automatic curtains covering the baptismal pool partially opened, paused, and closed.

Our praise team leader commented, “Interesting. Those opened of their own accord. Does someone out in our congregation need to be baptized?”

I tried not to react. I didn’t want Pastor Jon to get any ideas just yet. Yes, I know God will give me the strength and courage I need to fulfill His will, whatever it is, but I’m still hesitant.

If it was God’s sign, He won’t let up. He’ll keep sending messages, nagging until I give in.

Dear Lord, I want to do your will. Give me the wisdom, the strength, and the courage to follow You wherever you lead. Amen.

 

Flexibility

Image by kalhh from Pixabay 

I hate the time change. It messes with my body rhythm, not to mention the intrusion on schedules for children and pets. At least falling back is easier than springing forward, especially when I was working and had to get up at 4 am.

According to my husband’s research into the origin of DST, the time change started during WW I to conserve coal. Many outdoor enthusiasts embraced what seems like the extra hour of sunlight. I’ve argued this point many times. Physical daylight does not change because we mess with the clocks! But yes, setting the clock ahead does give you more after work daylight because of getting off an hour earlier.

I wish they’d just leave it on DST. Those who like it would be happy. Those of us who hate switching back and forth would do better. With only four months between the changes, why bother? Several states are lobbying to do away with the time change. I hope they succeed.

As all these thoughts paraded through my mind this morning, my reading in Good Morning, Lord, by Joseph Sullivan brought me up short. “I realize, of course, my best laid plans are useless unless they have your blessing. Help me, Lord, always to be flexible in my pursuit of your wishes. Not my will, but let yours be done. Amen.”

Was I being rigid, refusing change? Not just about the time change, but other things?

My readings continued with the same theme in my devotional, Living Faith.  1 Kings: 10-16. The widow fed Elias what she thought was the last of her oil and meal. She trusted God’s word through the prophet and was flexible enough in her faith to accept his promise she and her son would not starve if they shared their last bit of food.

The Gospel reading from Mark 12:38-44 continued with the theme of the widow casting in every cent she had for the temple tax. At first glance, it seemed Jesus was complimenting her on her sacrifice. He was, but he was also pointing out the temple scribes’ greed in demanding payment, even from the poor. Their rigid adherence to their law caused much suffering for the marginalized and eventually led to Jesus’ death on the cross.

My next reading, Psalm 146: 7, offered solace and encouragement. “[God]… keeps truth forever: who executes judgment for them that suffer wrong: who gives food to the hungry.”

That last poked a sore spot. Until we were forced to replace our old geothermal unit, we had no debt besides the house mortgage and a nice sum in our bank account. Not only did the new unit take all our  savings, we had to take out a small loan too. 

God reminded me: Lay not up to yourselves treasures on earth: where the rust, and moth consume, and where thieves break through and steal. But lay up to yourselves treasures in heaven: where neither the rust nor moth doth consume, and where thieves do not break through, nor steal. For where thy treasure is, there is thy heart also." Matthew 6:19-21. 

“Consider the lilies, how they grow: they labor not, neither do they spin. But I say to you, not even Solomon in all his glory was clothed like one of these. Now if God clothe in this manner the grass that is today in the field, and tomorrow is cast into the oven; how much more you, O ye of little faith?” Luke 12:27-28.

Chastised, I stopped grousing and worrying about the changes in our finances, in our country and in the world. God is there, preparing good things from bad, encouraging, comforting, and aiding. 

“Dear Lord, help me not to be so rigid in my faith that I fail to follow your will, help others or see your gifts when they take different forms than what I expect — or want. Amen.”  

 

 

Chasing False Gods

 

Photo by Gerd Altman at Pixaby - Words by Author

The false gods of popularity, success, security and safety draw us to them. But we will never be popular enough, opinions can turn in the blink of an eye, and success can plummet overnight. None of us will be as safe or as secure as we hope.

Jesus did not promise an easy life, or that he would save us from every disaster or danger. Instead, he assured us he would walk with us, even carry us when life pressed down too hard.

Although I understand God is more concerned with my holiness than my earthly happiness, it doesn’t mitigate my suffering. However, putting my life and my desires into God’s hands would lesson my anxiety, but I still struggle with letting go.

Giving my life into God’s care and focusing on his commandments, doesn’t mean putting my head in the clouds and ignoring issues and circumstances. Jesus gave us so many examples to follow. He spoke out against pride, immorality, injustices, and crimes, but was just as quick to forgive the repentant. He refused to engage in useless arguments or self-justification.

“Dear Lord, help me remain hopeful of deliverance from my troubles, remind me of the miracles you have already bestowed on me, and when your will does not include rescue from my sorrows, counsel me, encourage me, and strengthen me.” Amen.

Lessons from My Cats, Guest Post by Linda Yezak

Cuddlebug is mad at me. Because of a thyroid condition, she has to eat special food—but she doesn’t know that. She just knows that PB gets to eat in the living room from a fancy earthenware bowl that gets whipped off the floor whenever Bug comes near. And it’s not fair that PB gets to have special stuff that she’s not allowed to even sniff.

What my 19-year-old tortoise shell cat doesn’t know—aside from the fact that she has a condition—is that I pay extra for her food and can only get it from the vet. She doesn’t know that I take time to make a gravy out of that expensive food to make it more palatable for her. She doesn’t know that I also slice venison into bite-sized pieces especially for her, to take care of her coat and give her a special treat. I don’t do this for PB, who is a persnickety eater anyway. Just for Cuddlebug.

All I do for PB is pour dry cereal into a bowl and feed her in a different room so Bug won’t eat it and get sick again. Funny thing is, PB thinks she’s the one getting the special treatment—except she does seem to wonder why she’s been banned to the living room to eat. She wants to eat in the kitchen like the big cat.

In Control or Trapped?

I tend to rehash my mistakes and situations in a vain attempt to change the results. I question whether I should have spoken up or remained quiet. If I reacted sooner could I have prevented the disaster? On and on my thoughts whirl, replaying each moment.

This game is an illusion, believing I can change a situation by altering my behavior. Sometimes that’s true, if it is my rash actions or words that caused the problem. In other circumstances this is not true. 

Vapor

In my last post, I mentioned how fast life can change. The theme continues in my devotions with this scripture. “For what is your life? It is a vapor which appeareth for a little while, and afterwards shall vanish away. For that you should say, ‘If the Lord will, and if we shall live, we will do this or that.’” St. James 4:15

This doesn’t mean God intends that I live in fear of death, but rather to live in the present, making tentative plans for the future and trusting Him to take care of my needs.

In my devotion, Good Morning, Lord, Father Joseph T. Sullivan offered a prayer about fear, not being afraid of trying moments as all things can work together for good. Fear disappears with renewed trust in God and I should thank Him for my beneficial trials.

I can’t say it is easy to think of a cancer diagnosis, or my other horrific trials as beneficial, but with further reflection, they were. They helped me to develop a deeper faith and trust in God I would not have otherwise.

This goes beyond my fear of death. My unchristian words, actions, and thoughts stem from a desperate need to hold on to a job, a relationship, or other earthly treasures.

I have survived domestic violence and sexual assault, blood poisoning, loss of loved ones, financial crises, and recently, breast cancer. The last pushed me beyond a Doubting Thomasina toward a Paulina, content with my circumstances, whatever they are. How dare I doubt Him after all of that?

My life may be like vapor, seen for a moment and then gone, but what I do during that span of breath matters. Did I believe in God and His promises? Did I follow Him wherever He led me? Did I love others? Or did I live in fear and anxiety, distrusting God to provide for my needs?

I pray my answer is a resounding, yes, to all but the last.

This Moment

We spend so much time being afraid and anxious despite repeated vows not to. We are exhausted before a crisis even strikes. 

I know all the platitudes. I know all the scriptures, but my mind still wants to race toward the worst scenario. This time around, I fought against the panic, the anxiety, and the fear. I prayed, read my bible, attended church, vowing no more complacencies in my spiritual life.  

The answer is simple, and yet so very, very difficult. Surrender. Let go. Don’t thrash and struggle. Yet, I’d rather tread water than just lie there and float. If I am struggling, I think I am in control. I know better, but I can't convince myself to remain still.  

Tomorrow I will hear the results of the biopsy. I have it in my mind that my world will change, turn upside down, maybe even spin out of control. It might, but it already has changed. I’ve changed. I see the world and my spiritual life differently. My priorities are different, more focused. During my devotions, I realized what I needed to do, the prayer I should say. I said the words with trepidation, but also with the desire to mean them with my whole heart.   

“Lord, let it be done unto me according to your will.”  

Fear comes from the devil. He wants me to withhold my vow, to continue to struggle, to doubt, to worry, and to fear, and not follow God's will for my life. This time, he's going to be disappointed. 

God doesn’t want me to live my life in fear.  

In fact, my pastor opened his sermon this week with the words, “Don’t be afraid.” 

I remembered advice I gave to my daughter during a difficult time in her life, words I need to take to heart.  “At this moment, all is well.”  

And it is. Today, there is no evil to face. Tomorrow, maybe, but not today, and when that evil does come, God will give me the grace, strength, and courage to face it.  

“Be not therefore solicitous for tomorrow; for the morrow will be solicitous for itself.” Matthew 6:34.

Fixin'

Last night I watched the movie the War Room. Its message about the power of prayer is inspiring, but something else touched me more. 

 “You can’t fix it. It’s not up to you to fix it. It’s up to you to pray to God to fix it.” 

That line changed my life. From my therapy sessions, I understood I have no control over most things in my life, especially other people. I can only control my reactions, but now I understand I can’t fix the world, my country, my family, or even me, either. But God can. It’s His job, not mine. My job is to pray for causes and people and then go wherever he leads me. It really is that simple.

He told me this once before in a dream, (See The Bus) but I forget His lessons, forcing him to repeat them. Thank goodness His patience is infinite, and He hasn’t given up on me. 

The line changed my attitude toward the rude woman in the restaurant, the violent protestors, the hateful, angry posters on social media, terrorists, and dirty politicians. I can’t fix any of them, but I can pray and ask God to. 

The movie also inspired us to reach out and help others find their way to God. I’ve tried to do that and failed. God told me I wasn’t to preach, or be a missionary. I am to tell stories.

 

Even what I write isn’t my decision. God inspires my writing. I know I am on the right track when the story flows, sometimes in uncanny, spine chilling ways. When I hit a snag, I’ve fallen off course. Through prayer and meditation I find my way again.  

And so we are full circle, back to the fact I can’t fix anything, not even myself, but I can respond to the desire to pray for whatever, and whoever, God puts in my heart. Then I need to leave it there with him. 

Life is easier knowing I’m not the boss, and it’s not my job to fix anything, except maybe dinner.

Beside Peaceful Waters

Recent events in our country brought these words to mind: Luke 12: 51-53:  “Think ye that I come to bring peace on earth? I tell you no, but separation. For there shall be from henceforth five in one house divided: three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.” 

As the scripture above states, Jesus didn’t come to bring peace to the world, but peace to our hearts, peace to those of goodwill, not peace to all men. Peace comes from our faith and commitment to His will, not ours. Those who desire their own will, will not have peace. 

Our current political and social climate illustrates this all too plainly. How can we live peaceful lives in all this chaos? History teaches us that our current situation is not unusual, or uncommon. It has been repeated over and over again through the centuries with every civilization. We of course hoped ours would be different, but how could that be when men’s hearts have not changed? 

For a time, our country was the exception, until people forgot the premises upon which this country was founded, and personal gain once again took precedence in people’s hearts and minds. We celebrate individualism to the point that the individual is all that matters, to the point of decimating the larger population, as in these new laws regarding transgender use of public services. In other areas, the population decimates the individual, as in abortions. 

We cannot change the world, only ourselves. Imagine thousands turning their hearts back to God, as individuals. Imagine thousands no longer spewing hate, vengeance, violence. I am afraid all we can do is imagine. For in God’s own words, this will not happen upon this earth until the world, as we understand it, ceases to exist and we enter into Christ’s second coming. 

However, God does promise us peace in our hearts, when we do his will regardless of the chaos on the outside. This is the peace the martyrs experienced, enabling them to endure the unthinkable. I doubt God will call me to be a martyr in the physical sense, but I can see emotional suffering if I allow our current situation to govern all my thoughts. 

Since retirement, I do have the option of stepping away from the world more often. I can sit beside the gurgling stream and contemplate God’s word. I can pray more often. I can offer Gods’ words through my writing to those who might need those exact words, at that exact moment. I can find peace easier, if I choose not to rely on man’s word, but on God’s alone. 

Is that easy? Absolutely not. Is it worth the struggle? Absolutely yes. How do we even begin? From Jesus’ own words, through constant prayer. It takes effort, diligence, and sometimes, a few moments beside those peaceful waters wherever we can find them. I am blessed. I have peaceful waters just around the corner from our home, along our walking path. However, should that be taken from me, with practice, I can also find peaceful waters in my heart through scripture and prayer, in that moment when I say, “Your will, not mine.”