Vapor

In my last post, I mentioned how fast life can change. The theme continues in my devotions with this scripture. “For what is your life? It is a vapor which appeareth for a little while, and afterwards shall vanish away. For that you should say, ‘If the Lord will, and if we shall live, we will do this or that.’” St. James 4:15

This doesn’t mean God intends that I live in fear of death, but rather to live in the present, making tentative plans for the future and trusting Him to take care of my needs.

In my devotion, Good Morning, Lord, Father Joseph T. Sullivan offered a prayer about fear, not being afraid of trying moments as all things can work together for good. Fear disappears with renewed trust in God and I should thank Him for my beneficial trials.

I can’t say it is easy to think of a cancer diagnosis, or my other horrific trials as beneficial, but with further reflection, they were. They helped me to develop a deeper faith and trust in God I would not have otherwise.

This goes beyond my fear of death. My unchristian words, actions, and thoughts stem from a desperate need to hold on to a job, a relationship, or other earthly treasures.

I have survived domestic violence and sexual assault, blood poisoning, loss of loved ones, financial crises, and recently, breast cancer. The last pushed me beyond a Doubting Thomasina toward a Paulina, content with my circumstances, whatever they are. How dare I doubt Him after all of that?

My life may be like vapor, seen for a moment and then gone, but what I do during that span of breath matters. Did I believe in God and His promises? Did I follow Him wherever He led me? Did I love others? Or did I live in fear and anxiety, distrusting God to provide for my needs?

I pray my answer is a resounding, yes, to all but the last.

Our Gordian Knot and Something Odd in the Sky

The freight train of trouble increased speed this week when my dad called regarding my mother. Doctors say she will have a major stroke if she doesn't have surgery to clear the clogged artery, and yet, given her current situation, they give her only a 50-50 chance of surviving the surgery. Another consultation is set for this coming week.

Shortly after receiving this heart breaking, nerve-wracking word, the car left me stranded - again -this time at the gas station.

Which issue do we address first? Should I take unpaid time off from work and make the seven hour drive home to see my mother, taking our only working vehicle or do we rent one? Do we fix the car first or do we we march ahead with buying a house? If we do go for the house, we avoid the double cost of two addition moves and higher interest, not to mention prices. If we go for a loan, will the job last long enough to close? We can only do one and by choosing it, will delay our ability to do the other for several months to a year.

The Unexpected Journey

This past week Facebook hosted Throwback Thursday and many posted a nostalgic picture of either themselves or family. I resisted most of the day, but after enjoying the photos of others, I decided to participate and dug out my senior photo. I didn't remember this young woman.

I stared at the photo for several minutes before the memories returned. I still don't remember the day the photo was taken. I know I was seventeen, because it was taken in September of my senior year. With this memory recalled, more pieces fell into place.

I was dating my first husband at the time, and had no clue what was coming. I wouldn't say I was innocent, (my family could quickly illustrate that was not the case), I was however, naive. Growing up in a loving Christian home, I couldn't imagine the horrors some people could inflict on others. This young girl found out too quickly it isn't always safe to trust someone who says they love you.