The Final Letting Go

Image by Heri Santoso from Pixabay

I thought I had accepted this new life and was looking forward to a new future, but I dreaded the upcoming Valentine’s Day. I imagined the day would weigh heavy on my heart, yearning for the love I lost. But then God sent the dream...   

My late husband appeared to me in the hospital waiting room. He gestured for me to sit on a nearby bench and took a seat beside me.

He said, “I know we hoped the surgery would give us more time, and I agreed to it, but when I became bedridden, I was  a burden I didn’t want to be and one you didn’t need. As much as I hated leaving you, it was better that I did, for both of us. Now it’s time you let me go, really let me go, and move on with your life.”

I wanted to argue that I wasn’t ready, but recognized he was right. Refusing to let him go was selfish. If I loved him as much as I claimed, I’d let him go.

I woke up changed. Rather than looking back and focusing on what I lost, I now recognize what I accomplished and how far I’ve come. I still love him and always will, but instead of clinging and pining for a life that’s gone, I cherish my memories of our life together and set my face forward, not back.   

The clouds that had plagued our area for so long gave way to sunshine, inside my heart as well as outside my window. I feel lighter, less burdened.

Valentine's day. I woke without the sadness I had expected. Instead, peace filled my heart. No tears. No yearning.

God’s love is eternal and his promises are true. “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13.

You have, Lord. Thank you. Amen.  

Döstädning

Image by darkness_s from Pixabay

Döstädning is a Swedish word meaning death cleaning — a gift of love from aging parents to their children. Parents sift out the clutter from their homes, relieving their children from dealing with years of accumulated stuff.

I’m in that stage myself, though not entirely for the benefit of my children. Also known as downsizing, I’m moving from a large home with tons of stuff to a smaller place.

It’s therapeutic to remove things no longer needed, but also hard. Attached to each piece  are memories of my life with my late husband, and in someways it feels like I’m purging him from my life. I know that’s not true, for he will remain forever in my heart, but it’s hard to let go of so many things we had together. But, I must.

It isn’t practical to hang on to oversized furniture I won’t have room for in my new home. It won’t be a three bedroom 1800 sq. ft. house. Not for just Cooper and me.

I will keep a few small mementos tucked away, like pictures, and a few personal things, but the rest I have to let go.    

So, I lift my chin and push through, moving one step at a time, trusting my new future to God. He has carried me through many dark places and into the light of a new life.

These verses popped up in my devotions today.  

“Commit your way to the Lord;  trust in him, and he will act,” and “Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him…” Psalm 37:5,7. 

Lord, you know I'm trying to trust and wait with patience. But even  when I fail, I praise and thank you for the blessings you send to light my path. Amen.

 

Rainbows, Rainbows, and More Rainbows.

I’m facing a new health issue which requires a low carb, low-sodium diet, and a new, stronger medication. The diet is a bit of a challenge and the new med is concerning, considering my sensitivity to medications and the warnings of side effects associated with the drug.

While I tried to shove the worries aside, God took things in hand. 

I've mentioned several times how rainbows have preceded health related issues and consequent miracles, so seeing them is always a comfort. Coincidentally, there hasn't been a single reference to rainbows in any form for months until this week. Now, every time I pop onto social media, there’s at least three to seven pictures of rainbows.

I rarely follow Britain’s Got Talent, but catch a few random videos here and there. Guess which one I landed on? Yup, the one showcasing Sydney Christmas, the winner for this year’s competition. Her final song? I’m sure you guessed it. Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Bill chose our movie the other night- Judy. The life of Judy Garland. No, her famous song did not come up until the very end and she didn’t sing it. The audience did. An usual presentation of the song.

 And this popped up in my FB memories.

The list goes on and on, too many for me to mention. The most references at one time that I have ever experienced. Perhaps because not only am I facing some health issues, but my husband is going in for knee replacement surgery on the first of July. He’s 80 years old, so any surgery is concerning, but with this inundation of rainbows, symbols of God’s faithfulness to His promises, I can let all my concerns go.

Wish my faith was strong enough God didn’t need to send these reminders, but then I also love the outward expressions of His compassion and love.

Dear Lord, thank you, again, for everything. My life, all the wonderful blessings you have bestowed on me, and my faith - frail as it is at times. Amen. 

Too Heavy

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay 

These words were in the scripture quoted in my daily devotional, Living Faith. Moses cried to God for release. “I cannot carry all these people by myself, for they are too heavy for me.” Numbers 11:14.

The next statement by the author, Jennifer Christ, confirmed my stance to stay out of other people’s business unless there is a tangible way I can help. “We too often try to solve people’s problems, thinking we must order their lives and keep them happy.” But God told Moses, and us, “You don’t have to do this alone.”

In Streams in the Desert, a woman dreamed she walked in a long line of people carrying heavy sacks filled with many burdens. Dark creatures dropped heavier sacks beside each one, which she and the others dutifully picked up and slung across their already overburdened shoulders.

Jesus waited for her along the path. “Those burdens are not from me, but Satan.”

She dropped them and immediately felt lighter. For the cross He designed for her to bear was indeed much easier to carry than the burdens the devil had crafted.

One of the best ways to help the hurting is to sit with them. No words, no actions necessary. No need to fix their pain or suffering. Just be with them. Let them know we care by listening and praying. Both are powerful gifts. 

If God wills us to act, He will give us the nudge, the impulse, or the inspiration to volunteer, to donate, or offer our services.  

Dear Lord, thank you for these wise words. I pray I can keep them in my heart and not lose my conviction when faced with so much pain and suffering in the world. Help me discern when I should act, when I should listen, and remind me always to pray. Amen.

  

 

Difficult, But Worth the Effort

Photo by SplitShire from Pixabay

A recent conversation with a friend was echoed in my morning devotions. In Living Faith Terri Mefik wrote, “I may want to dictate to others how people should think or behave but if I put the relationship above forcing my will on others, I inevitably experience greater peace and joy.”

Life is much easier when I’m not worrying about someone else’s sin.

It isn’t that I am so good-natured that I’m never tempted to judge. My own drama keeps me too busy to worry about someone else’s behavior. I don’t have the energy or the desire to add any more. Besides, only God knows what is in the heart of another.

I have been harshly judged myself without my judges knowing the whole truth and I don’t want to do that to someone else. Their behavior (unless criminal), is between them and God. He is their final judge and the one they will have to answer to someday, just like I will.

If I want the benefit of the doubt, shouldn’t I give it to others as well?

Richard Rohr in his meditation on the Loving Gaze took this idea a step further. “The Christ in me sees the Christ in you.”

Christ in everyone.

Those words brought up a powerful image from my past.  

After seven years of domestic abuse and an ugly divorce, I needed therapy. A psychiatrist gave me the tools to deal with the nightmares and panic attacks, and he encouraged me to forgive. He emphasized that without forgiving the violence, the hatred and anger would destroy the rest of my life.

A friend recommended a Christian counselor specializing in abuse victims.

At the end of a long session, the counselor asked me to visualize Jesus on the cross. After a moment she asked me if He had come down and was he holding me?

What I saw was far more powerful.

My ex-husband stood behind the cross. As I watched, Jesus transposed his face over my ex-husband’s.

In that instant, I forgave and let all the anger and hate go. My world changed. Gone were the panic attacks and nightmares. The heavy weight I carried for so many years lifted. Colors were brighter, my steps lighter. I found peace.

That powerful moment taught me to look at others differently, to offer the benefit of the doubt first and to forgive instead of judging and holding a grudge. The Christ in me now sees the Christ in others.

Thank you, Lord, for that powerful message. It changed my life.

 

Weeds and Dis-ease

I have been scrambling to get everything in order before my surgery. I’ve tended the flowerbeds, finished up landscaping, got caught up on the laundry and housecleaning, shopped for lightweight button up shirts, compression socks, and easy-on-the-tummy foods.

I’m ready, sort of.

Although I am looking forward to getting rid of this rigid rock on my chest (the expander) and moving past all these surgeries, I am worrying over the weeds. My husband will mow the lawn and prune trees and bushes, but will not touch the flowerbeds. How overgrown will they be by the time I am well enough to garden again?

My Gethsemane

I knew with the same certainty of other premonitions that my mammogram would not be normal. I prayed, like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking that this cup pass from me. In response, I received a vision and a promise. I saw myself lying on the couch, smothered in blankets, recovering from treatments, assured I would be healed.  

Even with numerous scriptural and other assurances, I still begged for this trial pass from me.

God answered.

Sometimes small things interfered with my church attendance, devotions, and prayer time. God knew I could do better. This was my Jonah, calling me back to a deeper relationship, asking me to realign my priorities. Nothing like a crisis to drop you to your knees. This time, I vowed to stay there and not allow the cares of this world to distract me from what I knew I should do.

Also, our faith through severe trials can lead others to God. For example, my husband, who is standoffish with prayer and faith, confessed he has been praying. Who knows who else God might draw back to Him if I allow my faith to be an example.

This reminded me of a story.

A man walked through a field of wildflowers reveling in the beauty of the blue sky and the carpet of bright colors. He was so enthralled in the beauty he failed to notice a cliff and walked off the edge. Halfway down, he caught a protruding root. After assessing his situation, he realized he was too far from the top to climb up and too far from the bottom to let go.

He called for his friends to help. No one heard, and no one came.

In desperation, he called out to God. “Save me!”

God answered. “Do you love me?”

“Yes, Lord, with all my heart.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes, Lord, with my very life.”

“Then let go.”

That part always stopped my heart. Could I let go? My mind said it was a win-win. God could save me from falling, or if I fell to my death, I’d be in Paradise with Him. Yet, the thought of letting go still terrified me.  

However, remembering His many promises, I relinquished the struggle, opening my heart and mind to His will. 

My small Calvary, will accomplish many things if I approach it with faith and trust.  As St. Paul so eloquently stated, “And he said to me: My grace is sufficient for thee: for power is made perfect in infirmity. Gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may dwell in me. For which cause I please myself in my infirmities in reproaches in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am powerful.” 2 Corinthians 12: 10-12. 

Who Doesn't Like October?

October is one of the most popular months. Who does not like the vivid array of colors, the cooler days, pumpkins, and harvest moons? Then, there are the corn mazes, fresh pressed apple cider, and harvest parties. 

This month is the prelude to the onslaught of the holidays, a pause between summer and winter. We catch our breath before gearing up for the busier season to follow. 

Change. Seasons change. Weather changes and we change. It is inevitable. Some we welcome, like the seasons, others we fight. This struggle does not delay or alter the change. It only causes more stress and conflict, fighting a battle we cannot win.

Since entering the Golden Years, I have seen many changes. The world is certainly not the same as it was in my childhood. Some changes were for the better, others not. The political and spiritual unrest is disheartening as well as frightening. Then, there are the more pronounced changes in my physical appearance. I may be able to skip the news for several days, but my body continues to remind me of my age. 

I decided after some careful reflection, (pun intended), not to worry about my physical changes. I am aging, and there is not any cosmetic trick, or surgery, that will disguise it. It might camouflage it to some degree, but we’ve all seen the sad sight of women who go to extremes in their search for eternal youth. The result is rarely what they hoped. At this age, less is definitely more, and it is better to accept the changes and move on to things that are more important. 

For me, I would rather count my blessings than bemoan things I cannot change or control. For a perfectionist, that’s the same as an alcoholic admitting they have a drinking problem. Perhaps I had to live the changes before I understood how little control I have. I suppose experience does give the age a little more wisdom than youth, if we choose to learn from them rather than fight against them. 

And so, I look forward to this new season and plan to enjoy each moment. Winter storms will be here soon enough, but God is already there. With Him walking beside me, I can accept the changes in the weather, and in my life, with some dignity and peace. After all, letting go, accepting what I cannot change, and giving it to God, is the wisest of all choices.