The Final Letting Go

Image by Heri Santoso from Pixabay

I thought I had accepted this new life and was looking forward to a new future, but I dreaded the upcoming Valentine’s Day. I imagined the day would weigh heavy on my heart, yearning for the love I lost. But then God sent the dream...   

My late husband appeared to me in the hospital waiting room. He gestured for me to sit on a nearby bench and took a seat beside me.

He said, “I know we hoped the surgery would give us more time, and I agreed to it, but when I became bedridden, I was  a burden I didn’t want to be and one you didn’t need. As much as I hated leaving you, it was better that I did, for both of us. Now it’s time you let me go, really let me go, and move on with your life.”

I wanted to argue that I wasn’t ready, but recognized he was right. Refusing to let him go was selfish. If I loved him as much as I claimed, I’d let him go.

I woke up changed. Rather than looking back and focusing on what I lost, I now recognize what I accomplished and how far I’ve come. I still love him and always will, but instead of clinging and pining for a life that’s gone, I cherish my memories of our life together and set my face forward, not back.   

The clouds that had plagued our area for so long gave way to sunshine, inside my heart as well as outside my window. I feel lighter, less burdened.

Valentine's day. I woke without the sadness I had expected. Instead, peace filled my heart. No tears. No yearning.

God’s love is eternal and his promises are true. “I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13.

You have, Lord. Thank you. Amen.  

New Life

 

Original Photo by Cecilia Marie Pulliam

For the first time in over a week, I slept past 4 am. Energized, my mind whirled with plans until I opened the blinds. My thoughts stilled.

Lemon colored sunshine and sparkling dew bathed the hot pink phlox and emerald grass. Five pelicans glide through a cerulean sky. A chorus of birds sing from the cherry tree. It seems only yesterday the world was brown and gray and now it’s rippling with new life. I can’t tear my eyes away.

How many of us can ignore a beautiful sunrise or sunset? I believe they are God’s way of encouraging us to pause in our activities and thank Him for all of His gifts.

Clouds have now obscured the sun, but the bright spring colors are still there, shimmering in the gloom. Isn’t that what joy does, glistens in difficult circumstances, long after happiness flees?  

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of this new day, this new life. For aren’t we reborn each day? It’s a blank page and yet already filled with Your love, encouragement, and compassion. I can never give enough thanks, but I will offer all that I am. Amen.

Permission to Be Happy

Photo by Stefan Nyffenegger at Pixabay

This time of year, people are happier than any other season. We see it everywhere in small kindnesses, cheerful greetings, and happy faces, except perhaps Black Friday. Yes, I’ve heard the horror stories, but more than any other time of year we have hope of good things to come.

For God to right all wrongs.

For our families will be healed and brought closer together.

For an end to violence and hatred.

For all of us to share in God’s abundance.

We’ve all been in those dark places where there seemed to be no hope. Then, a scripture passage, the kind word of a stranger, or the prayers of family and friends gave us hope of a better tomorrow. We only needed to hang on a little longer.  

Psalm 27 was among my morning devotions.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life: of whom shall I be afraid? I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord.”

Psalm 27: 1-2, 13-14

That passage has brought me through many dark hours.

I once read a meme about the proverbial half empty or half full glass. I liked the author’s take. It didn’t matter whether it was half full or half empty because the glass can be refilled. 

And so can our hearts.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us the gift of your Son and the hope his presence brings. Amen.

If I Hadn't ...

Photo from PublicDomainPictures @ Pixabay

If I hadn’t gone through years of domestic violence, a rough divorce, and buried two husbands, would I appreciate my current husband and happy marriage as much as I do?

If I hadn’t suffered several life-threatening illnesses, would I be as thankful for my present good health?

If I hadn’t struggled with years of financial difficulties, would I appreciate my current financial stability?

If I hadn’t worked at several stressful jobs, would I appreciate and enjoy my retirement as much?

Without God’s compassion and support, could I see the world as a wonderful place filled with miracles?

Rainbows come after a storm. Silence is more noticeable after loud noises. Joy is more recognizable after sorrow, health after illness, wealth after poverty.

Through these, God has taught me where true happiness lies — in the simple things: coffee at sunrise with my devotions, chatting with my husband, walking with Cooper in the early morning and at sunset, keeping in touch with friends and family, and the time and ability to pursue my passions.

I think of Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole’s hit song, Somewhere Over the Rainbow. He combines Somewhere Over the Rainbow with What a Wonderful World, two of my favorite songs. They represent every blessing God has given me — the things most precious in this life.

As Melanie Rigny wrote in Living Faith, “What do you want to present when you face the Lord: a list of what you owed, or a list of whom you loved?”

I am included in that list. Have I forgiven myself as I have forgiven others? Have I cared for my needs? Have I allowed myself to rest?  Have I given myself permission to be happy?  

Thank you, Lord, for leading me through life's difficulties toward true happiness, which includes loving myself. My joy overflows and spreads out to others, enveloping them in the same love you give me. Amen.

Concern, Worry, and Finding Peace

My father worried most of his life about many things, particularly whether he was good enough to enter heaven. During his last days, we tried to reassure him. We reminded him about God’s great love for us and His forgiveness of all our sins. I recounted the story of the Good Thief on the Cross and my visions of Jesus and heaven.

He remembered 1 Peter 4: 8: “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover a multitude of sins.” We all agreed his generosity to others would nullify any failings.  

Yet, I still I worried and prayed for him to find peace. I even begged God to be good to him — and caught my breath. What was I saying, asking God to be good to him? I bowed my head, asked for forgiveness for my lapse of faith, and gave Daddy into God’s keeping. There is not a safer place than in His presence.

This holds true of everything else too.

I can be concerned about many things without carrying the burden of worry, especially after giving them to God. Who could love us more? Who would be more dedicated to giving us eternal life in a state of perfect happiness?

Daddy loved God, regretted his failings, and had asked for forgiveness. Isn’t that all God asks of us?

God granted me a blessing during my scripture readings. As I turned from the Old Testament to the Psalms, my Bible fell open to the Book of Tobias, who was famous for his generosity, just like Daddy.  

Chapter 14: 8: “And the rest of his life was in joy, and with a great increase in the fear of God he departed in peace.”

Thank you, Abba, for giving me this undeserved consolation. Your compassion and generosity are beyond my mortal understanding and expectation. I love you! 

So, You Vowed to Be Happy No Matter What…

I swear God said, “So, you gave yourself permission to be happy regardless of your circumstances. Let’s see how sincere you are.”

Days after making that vow, my dad collapsed and was rushed to the hospital with either pneumonia or heart failure. At 90 years of age, this was not good news. Adding to the sense of panic, my mother has early stage dementia and could not stay home alone. With most of the family living hours away, a mad scramble ensued to get someone there quickly.

We went from Plan A to Plan ZZZ in a matter of hours. My daughter logged forty-three phone calls, beating me by three. My middle son bailed his job (with permission) and drove down to stay with my folks until my sister or I could relieve him.

I live in another state, eight hours by car or five hours by plane to the nearest airport, still a seventy-mile drive away. With the inclement weather a deciding factor, my frequent-flyer son booked me a flight.

Then God added another twist.

A few days before my scheduled flight, I rushed my husband to the ER with symptoms of a massive heart attack.

At that point, I conceded the battle and told God, “It’s all in your hands.”

Throughout the next few hours I bounced between my husband’s bedside and answering calls regarding my dad’s condition. Things eased when the doctors released my husband with a diagnosis of a serious, but treatable infection. He’d recover at home with rest and a regimen of two antibiotics. I delayed my flight.

Doctor’s released my dad from the hospital with the understanding he and my mother would either go home with family care or go directly into assisted living. With his health issues directly related to complications with his prostate cancer, none of us were capable of the 24-hour medical care he needed. We voted on an assisted living community close to my sister and by default closer for the rest of the family too.

With my husband recovering, I took a late flight and arrived the following afternoon at my parents’ home. We packed their essentials into a U-Haul trailer and endured a five-hour nightmare of packed snow, ice, and blizzard conditions to the assisted living community.

I helped my sister settle Mother and Father into their apartment and all seemed well until it was time to fly home. My first flight was delayed, causing me to miss my connecting flight, and resulted in another late-night arrival. Then, I woke up sick the next morning.

Can I truthfully say I was happy during all of this?

Joyful in the Lord is a better description, the joy that depends on God, not our circumstances, and that is enough. My blood pressure remained low, my blood sugar stayed stable, and my attitude remained positive.

I hope I have a grace period before the next set of challenges, but I give that to God too, more than happy to let Him sort it all out.

I Get It - Finally! Christmas All Year!

From the first of December we experience joy, happiness, expectation - magic - then it disappears the day after Christmas. Why?

For one thing, our attitudes change. During Christmas we give ourselves permission to be happy. Instead of cold, snow, and ice, we see Christmas lights. We sing along with Christmas Carols rather than listen to negativity. We give gifts and do kind deeds.

After Christmas, our focus changes back to all that's wrong with our lives and the world. We see suffering, violence, and hate. How dare we be joyful?

What if we channeled those internal concerns into action rather than wringing our hands and filling our hearts with anxiety and guilt?

Father Joseph T. Sullivan wrote in, Good Morning, Lord, “creative people: sculptors, authors, song writers, painters, musicians, and architects, show us how to look up at the stars not down at the mud and the puddles.”

God has called me to write and paint, to temporarily suspend someone’s suffering through my stories and my art. Is that not a noble act? He also calls me to greet others with a smile and kind words, to listen with interest and compassion when others speak, to volunteer my time and to give to charities through my church, or other means.

In doing these things, I am “lighting a candle rather than cursing the darkness.”

When we love God above all things and our neighbor as ourselves, reaching out with charity wherever and however we can, we have permission to be happy, not just at Christmas — but all year. 

Merry Christmas - every day! 

Joy and Happiness

I have more joy and happiness at this stage of my life than at any other time, but it is only the eye of the storm. How can I keep this sense of contentment when the next hurricane hits? I posted the answer six years ago, and I think it's time for a reminder.

How to Have a Joyful Mind. 

Joy and happiness. Webster's dictionary states the two are synonyms, basically interchangeable. Scripture speaks of joy in a different light. It refers to joy as a sense of contentment regardless of our circumstances. In other words, the peace the world cannot give.

I've searched most of my life for a way to reach this rung in the spiritual ladder. I've tried many different methods: intense prayer, relaxation and mediation exercises, positive thinking and so much more.

They all helped to a degree. Yes, prayer can accomplish anything - if you are praying the right kind of prayer and with the right motivation. Merely begging God to change your circumstances will not leave you feeling joyful and filled with peace, unless you can give the circumstances to Him - completely - and then move on.

That's where I struggle, along with several other issues. Like an alcoholic at an AAA meeting, I must stand up and admit I am a worrier, I am a control freak, I am judgmental of others, I am selfish,  and I could go on, but you get the idea. And, I know I am not alone.

So, how do we flawed creatures find joy when faced with our own flaws, when faced with the flaws of others and the issues surrounding our troubling circumstances? A very good question.

In answer, I have found the book, The Naked Now by Richard Rohr to be one of the most insightful books I have read. Father Rohr gives a non-denominational, non-political, all encompassing insight into accepting and coping with our imperfections, those of everyone around us, and of our world.

Listed below are a few suggestions from the book that impacted my life greatly. These gems, repeated often throughout my day have enabled me to remain in a joyful, peaceful state of mind for longer periods than at any other time in my life - regardless of the turmoil surrounding me.

What might a joyful mind be?

When your mind does not need to be right.
When you no longer need to compare yourself with others.
When you no longer need to compete - not even in your own head.
When your mind can be creative, but without needing anyone to know.
When your mind does not "brood over injuries."
When you do not need to humiliate, critique, or defeat those who have hurt you - not even in your mind.

Thank you, Lord, for leading me to this wonderful source of spiritual insight,  for giving me the encouragement to follow the suggestions, and for being patient through my many failures. As you have told me over and over, it isn't how many times I fail, it is how hard I try that matters. Amen.

Love or Duty? (Another Lesson in Relativity)

In my devotions today, Jesus tells his opponents to judge him by his works if they will not believe his words. This follows right on the heels of my lesson on relativity. He asks us to do works with love. This goes further. Don’t criticize. So many wives are under the mistaken idea nagging their spouse will make them change. Psychologists state people thrive in a positive environment not a critical one. 

To my husband’s credit, he rarely criticizes me. If something is important, he will ask me to sit down and talk. Then, in a quiet, respectful tone, he will explain how my inappropriate behavior made him feel. I must add, he puts up with a lot without saying a word. I too often wear my emotions and forget the Do-This-Out-of-Love Commandment.

 It’s that relativity thing again, but this time with the added emphasis of acting out of love rather than a misguided sense of duty. 

While wrestling with the bedding yesterday (washing the mattress cover and comforter), I wasn’t thinking about love. At least I suffered in silence without displaying my feelings. That was a step forward. 

Today, while I do more chores, I plan to do them because I love my husband. He deserves that. He is a remarkable man, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, caring. I do not doubt he loves me. The King of Lies wants me to feel put upon, neglected, and unappreciated. I’m not. 

Last night, my husband helped with the supper dishes without my asking or even hinting.

After we finished, he gave me a hug and whispered, “Thank you, Sweetheart, for all the things you do.”

I remembered what a wise soul stated about marriage. It is each partner taking turns giving a hundred percent. My husband gives his. I need to give mine without complaint. 

I will with your help, Lord.