Forced Pause

Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash

God sometimes steps in and forces us to pause in our endeavors, often in a manner we’d prefer not to participate in. It can be financial, natural (as in a storm and loss of power) or health. For me, it seems he prefers the latter.

At least this time around, it wasn’t anything serious, just inconvenient.

I discovered a lump on my right thumb. My doctor suspected a cyst and referred me to an orthopedic surgeon.

After palpitating it, he disagreed. “I’m not sure what it is.”

Although cancer of the hand is rare, given my history with the disease, we opted to have the lump surgically removed and biopsied.

What I thought would be a simple minor procedure turned into a full-blown surgery with a gown, cap, IV, and an operating theater. I chose a local rather than anesthesia, but other than being awake, it was not different from the more complicated surgeries I’ve had.

The good news, the lump was just a cyst.

Post-surgery was a surprise. For such a small digit, it sure slowed my activities. I could move the fingers on my right hand, but of course not the bandaged thumb. Turns out that finger is indispensable, difficult to do without. I compensated, like typing with my left hand, but it is a slow process, right along with everything else.

Add in the side effects from the antibiotics and pain meds, and I did little but read, nap, and watch a movie here and there. All because of that one small digit.

While forced to slow down, I realized how wrapped up in activities I had become. My mind had been in a constant whirl of plans and ideas, even to the point of interfering with my concentration with my devotions or prayers. Oops.

Stitches come out tomorrow. The effects of the medications are easing off. I should be able to resume normal activity this next week. If I’m smart, I won’t become so embroiled I lose sight of what is most important. After my experience with the lions, one would think I wouldn’t forget, but I do. The pull of earthly things is strong.

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder to slow down enough to meditate and pray, and not a hurried nod before I dash off to the day’s activities. Thank you for loving me so much. Amen. 

Being Martha

Lately, I’ve been obsessed with my To Do List. It seems there are so many things I need to remember and rather than rely on my memory, I’ve been using Microsoft’s To Do. It’s been a great tool, except rather than releasing my mind to think of other things, the opposite has happened. I’ve added task after task.

Time management isn’t wrong. It is a useful tool until it becomes a fixation. Being a perfectionist, I tend to take it too far. It takes constant diligence to pull back and not let the list rule my life.

I remembered this meditation written by an Anonymous Author.  

Letter From a Friend

I am writing to say how much I care for you. I want you to know me better. When you woke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window, hoping to get your attention. But you didn’t even notice. Later, you were walking with friends, I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with flowers. Still you didn’t notice me. So I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow. You didn’t even look! Tonight, I spilled moonlight on your face and sent a cool breeze to refresh you as you slept. I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware of my presence. I hope you will talk to me soon. When you’re ready, I will be near. I love you very much.

Your Friend,

Jesus

I am not quite this blind yet and pray I never become so engrossed in my tasks I fail to notice God’s hand in my life.

Meditation is a valuable exercise for spiritual growth. I’ve found a beautiful method to introduce a prayerful pause to my day. With practice, I can keep my eyes on God, viewing my tasks as serving others rather than pridefully checking off each accomplishment.

Thank you, Lord, for providing so many beautiful ways to acknowledge your presence in my life. Amen. 

Enjoy! 

Mind Chatter

Dr. Emmett Miller coined the phrase to describe the constant twittering that often plagues us in the night. That endless chatter dredging up things from the distant past or reciting a litany of things we need to accomplish the next day.

Some say it is a sign of creativity or intelligence. A sweet thought, but guilt and regret seem to play a big role, at least for me.

Is the self-incrimination a means to keep me humble and not puffed up? It works, but is it healthy? According to Dr. Emmett Miller, M.D. there should be a balance between admitting mistakes and misjudgments, asking for forgiveness, and feeling good about right choices and accomplishments.

There are many ways of finding that balance: prayer, meditation, spiritual retreats, and guided imagery to mention a few. I’ve used them all at one time or another. They are effective if used regularly, something I am not good about doing when I’m busy. 

I have been good about my prayers and devotions in the mornings since discovering how effective they are to setting a peaceful tone to my day and keeping my blood pressure down, but after I go to bed I have more difficulty. Time to dig out Dr. Miller’s recording, Easing into Sleep, and find the off button to all that late night chatter. 

How about you? Does your mind whirl from ancient memories to your to-do-list? What methods have you used to turn those thoughts off?

Okay, I Admit It. God Knows More than Me.

The other morning, I woke with my usual exuberance and a laundry list of things I wanted to do. I made coffee and grabbed my computer rather than my devotions.

God had other ideas.

My laptop took longer than usual to boot. I did control, alt, delete and restarted it. The second start was even slower.

With no other choice, I picked up my devotions. Good Morning, Lord by Joseph T. Sullivan admonished me to “seek first the Kingdom of God.”

Ouch.

Coincidently, my computer finish booting at the same time I finished my readings and it has not been that slow since. (Eye roll.)

The next morning I spent the first fifteen minutes in quiet prayer and contemplation — and something amazing happened.

My blood pressure has been rising since my cancer diagnosis and surgeries, then add in my irritation over jury duty, and I have considered calling my doctor and requesting a change in my medication.

However, after my meditations, I took my blood pressure. Rather than a high reading, it dropped back to last year's numbers, 118/74. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was.

Perhaps now, with the added physical proof, I’ll make more of an effort to follow St. Paul’s example, putting God before all things, and being contented with my circumstances, regardless of what they are, a series illness, surgeries, or petty aggravations. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

How about you? How do you cope with stress? 

A Pause

Jesus often admonished His disciples for their lack of faith after witnessing so many miracles.  “How do you not yet understand about the lilies of the field, or feeding the five thousand with a few fish and loaves of bread?”

How do we not understand? Because we are weak and frail. The devil uses our weaknesses, stirring up doubts, telling us we are unworthy of God’s good gifts.  We are unworthy, but God still grants them because of His infinite love.  

Streams in the Desert: “Difficulties are sent to reveal what God can do in answer to faith that prays and works.”

Sometimes God sends difficulties not only to strengthen our faith, but also to encourage us to spend more time with Him in prayer for ourselves and for others. Prayer, with God’s intervention, can accomplish more than years of physical struggle. He asks us to pause in our headlong rush to accomplish to sit at His feet and learn.

“Your faith can level forests.” Streams in the Desert.

My upcoming surgery and recuperation period is an opportunity to deepen my prayer life and open myself to more meditation. Who knows what forests He and I can level?

“According to the multitude of my sorrows in my heart, thy comforts have given joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19.

One thing I have learned, God’s light of hope, comfort, love, and compassion shines brightest in the dark places of our lives.  

There's Gotta Be a Way!

It’s true. Nature does not like a vacuum. Remember all that free time I was going to have in retirement? Yeah, well…

“The activities of any given day can be enough to exhaust most people. Activities can be addictive. We need to fill our days with activity, often crowding out everything else.” Fr. James Stephen Behrens, O.C.S.O, Living Faith, Silence and Solitude.

Father is right. My list of activities is a self-imposed insanity, but I have so much I want to do!

Grumble.

Several posts back, I mentioned the Twenty-Five Thousand Dollar Organizational Plan. Originally intended to improve productivity for businesses, it certainly works for personal things as well. The simple plan adds three priorities to the basic tasks of the day. After the first priority is completed, the second and third move up. Then another is added to the bottom. Even if only the first priority is completed every day, seven priority tasks will be finished by the end of the week.

But, I have far more than three things I want to get done besides my Have-To List, and I can’t run around trying to imitate the energizer bunny anymore. My old batteries don’t last as long as they used to. 

GRUMBLE!

After some thought, I decided on several things. First, no all-day cleaning marathons. I do a little every day. That way I have both the time and the energy for things on my wish list. 

Second, there has to be an app for this! And, there is!

Two, actually. A few minutes on the Google App Store and I found exactly what I was looking for. 

The first is a shopping organizer. I know that sounds funny, but shopping with the Tortoise is both frustrating and fatiguing. He shops spontaneously - usually without a list, and the grocery store becomes a nightmare of walking back and forth from one end of the store to the other. Instead of finishing in a half hour like other folk, it can take us an hour, or two, for only a week’s worth of groceries.  ARRGGG! 

The Hare dances rings around the Tortoise thinking of all the things she could be doing at home.

This app has changed my shopping. It saves me tons of time in both compiling my list and at the store. It keeps a running inventory, which it sorts automatically to match the grocery aisles! I am sooo impressed! Check it out. It’s free! Smart Shopping List by Listonic

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Next, I needed something for time management with reminder options that wasn’t really a calendar/scheduler. A fancy To Do List to keep track of all the things I want to do. I found To Do List by Splend Apps (SplenDO). 

I become so embroiled in a writing project or a painting session, I lose track of time and often forget what day I last did X, and when I need to do XX. This little app gives me all kinds of options with a voice reminder. If I schedule something for a set time, I hear, “You wanted to do XXX at this time.” I love it!

I don’t care if the Tortoise is laughing at me. His mind doesn’t wander off on a million trails like mine. Knowing something else is keeping track of my tasks, I can stay focused on the next scene in my book, or the next detail in the painting. I can read without watching the clock, or setting a timer. 

Besides that, I have a visual of everything I want to do, and can stop the insanity before it starts. I am far more productive and less stressed. Grin!

Father Behrens also reminded me it is necessary to keep a balance between activity and quiet solitude. I added a little reminder to stop and take a break every so often. It is so easy to forget how many hours I have sat at the computer or the easel. It is just as important to sit on the porch swing with my husband. Play with the puppy. Watch the sunrise and the sunset, pray, and meditate. A little organization has gone a long way in clearing the clutter in my mind. I am more focused and more productive. When I am relaxing, I am not running a list through my mind, stressing about what I might be forgetting, and reevaluating everything a dozen times. I can open my thoughts to higher things.

“Jesus went up to the mountain to pray, and he spent the night in prayer to God.” Luke 6:12.

Life Doesn’t Need to Be This Hard

Life is hard enough without adding more weight than I need to carry – literally. Why do I pack my purse and my tote with so much just-in-case-I-need-it stuff? Some of those necessities never see daylight, so why do I insist on carrying it around?

I look at my husband. When we head out on errands, he has car keys and a wallet. I have my purse loaded with a year’s worth of survival gear. Why?

A week ago I woke with a horrific stiff neck. The pain moved down from the base of my skull and into my left shoulder. This is where I carry all of my tension and the arm I use to carry my work tote. Yes, the one loaded with more survival gear than the purse.

Spurred on by the discomfort of my knotted muscles, I cleaned house. I simplified everything down to what I actually used on a daily basis and pulled out everything else. I think I removed ten about pounds of stuff from the purse and the tote. At least it feels like it.

From that point, I thought about all the other baggage I carry around and decided an emotional and spiritual house cleaning was in order as well. Oh, I have done sporadic spring cleaning before, but I had not delved quite this deep. It was time. I needed to learn better ways of handling stress, or at least consistently practice the ones I knew.

Who's Pulling Who?

In one of Richard Rohr's daily meditations, he makes this observation: As soon as you make prayer a way to get something, you’re not moving into a new state of consciousness. It's the same old consciousness. “How can I get God to do what I want God to do?” It's the egocentric self still deciding what it needs, but now often trying to manipulate God too.

This is one reason religion is in such desperate straits today. It really isn't transforming people, but leaving them in their separated and egocentric state. It pulls God inside of my agenda instead of letting God pull me inside of his. This is still the small old self at work. What the Gospel is talking about is the emergence of “a whole new creation” and a “new mind,” as Paul variously calls it.

That really hit hard. I do spend too much of my prayer time in negotiation. And, Richard Rohr is right. There are a great number of Christians who believe that because they believe, they will gain prosperity, health and every worldly pleasure. That is a great deception. We do not exist to gain this world. We exist to be in spiritual union with the Divine.  

By the world's standards, spending time in a contemplative state is not considered productive. It doesn't minimize our To Do List, it doesn't accomplish anything, except open our eyes to more closely see the world as God does, a mixture of the beautiful and the ugly, the joyful and the sorrowful, neither entirely evil or entirely good. 

In order to do that, I must let go of my agenda, even things I think are good in God's eyes. I  must step back from the world and get rid of the To Do list, replacing it with a To Be list. This becoming will change my  thoughts and the good deeds and the compassion for others will automatically emerge from that union.

I am refocusing my early morning devotions from my usual I Want/ I Need Prayer. God already knows what I need. Rather, I will start my prayer time with being thankful for what I already have instead of concentrating on what I don't have.  From this state of thankfulness, I will enter into a contemplative reading of His Word.   With a more open, non-critical, judgmental mind,  my self centered prayer will become a Seeing Prayer, and a closer union with God. 

This New Creation will have a more open mind with which to hear, and follow, that  inner voice nudging me to take seemingly trivial side trips which upset my best laid plans, but later prove to be the most powerful moments of my life. 

Dear Lord, lead me to see the world, and myself, as you do, and not through my judgments or perceived needs.  Amen.