I'm Not God, But I Often Think I Am

In Ezekiel 28:1 the prophet admonishes the king for making himself a God, relying on his own wisdom and power, acting without waiting for the discernment of God’s will. I’d like to say I never do that, but I do, and often. I ask for God’s blessing to do what I deem best and plunge ahead, not waiting for his answer. Other times, I follow his will, but out of my own desires, not his.

I also make myself a god when I judge others, playing the Pharisee to the tax collector, extolling my virtues over theirs. If I’d never act the way they do, then they must be wrong. 

Better, Best, But Mostly In Between

Events over the last few days have not brought out the best in me, and yet they did not extract the worst either, but something in between.

 I didn't respond with a snide comment to my co-worker's cutting criticism, but I am sure my body language expressed my feelings loud and clear. Still,  it was better than uttering a unkind remark, right?

Who's Pulling Who?

In one of Richard Rohr's daily meditations, he makes this observation: As soon as you make prayer a way to get something, you’re not moving into a new state of consciousness. It's the same old consciousness. “How can I get God to do what I want God to do?” It's the egocentric self still deciding what it needs, but now often trying to manipulate God too.

This is one reason religion is in such desperate straits today. It really isn't transforming people, but leaving them in their separated and egocentric state. It pulls God inside of my agenda instead of letting God pull me inside of his. This is still the small old self at work. What the Gospel is talking about is the emergence of “a whole new creation” and a “new mind,” as Paul variously calls it.

That really hit hard. I do spend too much of my prayer time in negotiation. And, Richard Rohr is right. There are a great number of Christians who believe that because they believe, they will gain prosperity, health and every worldly pleasure. That is a great deception. We do not exist to gain this world. We exist to be in spiritual union with the Divine.  

By the world's standards, spending time in a contemplative state is not considered productive. It doesn't minimize our To Do List, it doesn't accomplish anything, except open our eyes to more closely see the world as God does, a mixture of the beautiful and the ugly, the joyful and the sorrowful, neither entirely evil or entirely good. 

In order to do that, I must let go of my agenda, even things I think are good in God's eyes. I  must step back from the world and get rid of the To Do list, replacing it with a To Be list. This becoming will change my  thoughts and the good deeds and the compassion for others will automatically emerge from that union.

I am refocusing my early morning devotions from my usual I Want/ I Need Prayer. God already knows what I need. Rather, I will start my prayer time with being thankful for what I already have instead of concentrating on what I don't have.  From this state of thankfulness, I will enter into a contemplative reading of His Word.   With a more open, non-critical, judgmental mind,  my self centered prayer will become a Seeing Prayer, and a closer union with God. 

This New Creation will have a more open mind with which to hear, and follow, that  inner voice nudging me to take seemingly trivial side trips which upset my best laid plans, but later prove to be the most powerful moments of my life. 

Dear Lord, lead me to see the world, and myself, as you do, and not through my judgments or perceived needs.  Amen. 

Ego

I have begun a  spiritual journey, one which will require a huge change in my way of thinking, behaving and perceptions. My goal is not to change the world, but change how I see the world. The first step is my ego.

Richard Rohr in his insightful book, The Naked Now, equates ego with the need to be right. He even quotes Dr. Phil: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Those words struck deep.

How many times have I gone to great lengths to be right? How much of my suffering was the direct result of my ego taking a hit? Even in my spiritual life, I wanted to be right: on the right path, thinking the right things, acting in the right way. How often did I use God's yard stick as my unit of measure? Most of the time I used another method - my ego. To stroke my ego, I looked for confirmation from others.

On the surface, I truly thought I was seeking God's approval, while in truth, I wanted Him to confirm that I was right.

The Scripture, die to self equals letting go of my ego. The truly humble are not weak. They are exceptionally strong. Their self-being is not dependent on anyone, on any circumstance or deed. They spend little time thinking about how others need to change, focusing instead of how they need to change.

It is a tall order, this letting go of ego, pride, the need to be right, to be on the right side, the best, the winner. This new spirituality focuses on Being. Being in communion with God and allowing everything else to fall into place. And it will. With Him as my focus, I will naturally care about my family, my friends, my neighborhood, my city, my country and my world. 

This change in focus will change my perceptions, the first being judgement. This will be a hard one. How can I not judge what is good or bad? How should we react to injustices? Just determining that there is an injustice is a form of judgement, isn't it? How can I work toward world change if I don't determine where injustices lie and then act?

First, all changes begin very close to home - me. First I change. Scripture speaks of the tendency to see the mote in my brother's eye, ignoring the beam in mine.

This seems daunting, but all journeys begin with the first step. My first step is working on my ego, my need to always be right - in my eyes as well as others. I can't help but wonder how this change will effect my life. Will I indeed be happier? And in due course, will others around me be happier? With a moment truthful reflection, the answer is easy to see.