Old and New Wounds

 The storm of life hit like a hurricane last week.

First, I came down with hives. While my doctor could not pinpoint a cause, a good friend told me her husband gets them when he leaves the air-conditioned house and steps into high temperatures. That made sense. My husband keeps the house between 68 and 70 degrees because he can no longer tolerate warm temperatures. We’ve had record highs of 100 to 109 degrees, and I’m in and out of the house for various reasons throughout the day. (My doctor suggested Benadryl and cortisone cream to help with the discomfort. The combination does help.)

The next wave was even bigger. My sister and I had a misunderstanding over my mother’s memorial. We both have wounds from so many losses, hurts and bad relationships that our emotions are in overload just discussing the details for the memorial. I’m not sure about her, but my dreams and nightmares have already begun just thinking of going back to my hometown for another funeral.

She changed our original plans, and I balked. First she chose August 11, the hottest month of the year. I responded with a litany of issues with the changes in the service and traveling 10 hours across the barren desert in the extreme heat. (My hometown is in the mountains in south central Oregon. To get there, I have to travel through the Oregon desert. There are no services for hundreds of miles — no rest areas, service stations or restaurants. Driving is the only option as there is no bus, no train, or airport.)

My sister thought I was saying the memorial was too much of an inconvenience and I rather not come. She broke off the discussion and I thought we’d never speak again.

The emotional turmoil and guilt affected my blood sugar, as well as my emotions. If only I had held my temper in check…

I turned to my prayer warriors.

 God responded.

These memes popped up on social media, including the one at the top of this post.  

The next evening, my sister contacted me. She hadn’t explained her reasons behind the change in our plans or thought about the difficulties of traveling in the heat. (She lives three hours away and doesn’t have to cross the desert.)

I compromised on the service details. She offered to move the memorial to this fall. We both agreed our discussions were cathartic, and we are even closer now.  

 Our Daily Bread for today quoted Revelation 21:4. “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes: and death shall be no more, nor mourning, nor crying, nor sorrow shall be any more, for the former things are passed away.”

A timely reminder that the pain of this world is temporary.

“Dear Lord, you made a way for the Israelites through the desert. You’ll do the same for me, both for the travel and the emotional rollercoaster.” Amen.

  

Serenity Amid Turmoil

 

Photo by urformat @ Pixabay

My oncologist said the chances of my breast cancer returning were very slim, only 2%, but I still get nervous when it’s time for a new scan, and I’ve been dreading tomorrow’s appointment. As usual, mydeovtions offered encouragement. 

My devotional, Good Morning, Lord by Joseph T. Sullivan, expounded the virtues of waking to gentler sounds, birdsong, the gurgle of a creek, the lapping of waves on a lake shore, or even ocean waves. Many of us wake instead to the din of mechanical sounds, diesel trucks, blaring car stereos, motorcycles with loud mufflers — good illustrations of how our minds work. Peaceful, resting in God’s promises, or noisy with many outside worries and concerns.

The imagery reminded me of a painting contest. The artists were tasked with painting their perception of peace. Some chose sunrises or sunsets over a quiet lake or ocean. Others painted meadows bursting with wildflowers. One artist took a different view. He painted a songbird sitting on a nest dangling over a raging torrent. Serenity amid life’s torrents and turmoil, trusting in Our Maker to care for us. I imagine he envisioned the scripture about the sparrows. How fitting.  

It is also fitting that Acts 3:1-10 is listed among my scripture readings. It describes St. Peter healing the lame man in front of the temple gate. Healing. Thanks to my nurses, doctors, and surgeons, I am a breast cancer survivor. God was there with me every step of the way. Will He not be with me through whatever happens tomorrow?

Will all my anxiety vanish? No. Even Jesus wept the night before His passion. However, I will stand on the promise God gave me when I met my husband, that we’d grow old together in health.

There have been a few bumps and challenges in the road, a few detours, a few scars, but we pulled through. Tomorrow will be no different.

So, chin up, visualize rainbows and God’s blessings rather than what might or might not happen.

“I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14.

 

On the Other Side of Pain

I’ve come a long way from my first surgery, and I can’t say I relish the next one. Giving up my current flexibility and comfort isn’t easy, but I am looking beyond that to a full recovery and a healthy, cancer free life.

In my devotion, Living Faith, Kristin Armstrong wrote: “‘What you focus on expands.’ When we focus on our suffering, misery grows. When we focus on abundance, on faith, on God’s ability to heal and redeem, hope grows. We can change our vision to include the parameters of what is unseen and remember that suffering always produces something valuable on the other side of pain.”

Suffering is never for nothing. It changes us, deepens our faith and trust, teaches us a depth of compassion for others we would not have otherwise. There is always something beautiful on the other side of pain.

Healing

 “We each carry a certain amount of pain from our very birth. If that pain is not healed and transformed, it actually increases as we grow older, and we transmit it to people around us. We can become violent in our attitudes, gestures, words, and actions. “ Richard Rohr from, The Inner Witness.

This statement makes sense, and it is the reason why it is so important to forgive those who hurt us, not so much for their benefit as for our own. After enduring seven years of abuse from my ex-husband, I often reacted with anger when I felt threatened, natural under the circumstances, but certainly not healthy.

Through numerous counseling sessions, I worked through the pain, the fear, and the anger. Then, my counselor dropped a bomb. Forgiving was the next step. I tried, struggling on my own until God showed me how in a vision. He transposed His face over my ex-husband. Immediately, my anger dissipated. I felt weightless and joyful. Colors seemed brighter, no longer tinged with the grey of depression or inflamed with anger. 

Forgiving didn’t mean forgetting, or staying in the abusive relationship, it meant not hating him, not holding the pain in my heart and projecting it onto others. 

Richard Rhor’s statement explains the trend in our society to be judgmental and hateful to anyone we disagree with. If we already carry pain inside, and life adds more, then we become overburdened and lash out.

We can’t fix others, but by healing our pain, altering our reactions to the violent attacks of others, not replying in kind, or nursing resentment, we can make a difference. The ripple effect would encapsulate our families, our workplaces, our communities and eventually spread out to cover the entire world. We would have the tools to practice the soft prophecy I wrote about in a previous post.

Gandhi proved none violence can make huge changes, if enough people practice it. But it is so hard to not reply with anger when attacked, especially if that attack is not justified. The angry comments on a social site, the rude driver, the ill-mannered woman in the checkout line, try our patience. Even though we may not openly react, we often seethe for hours, sometimes days after the event. It festers, limiting our tolerance in other situations. If we add in major crises and trauma, our tolerance collapses. 

If we follow the example in my vision, seeing God in everyone, perhaps we can be more compassionate. It would be a start. After all, Jesus initially called only twelve disciples, and through their faith, they changed the world.

Boomerang Prayer

This week I have again struggled with being gracious to those who are inconsiderate and hurtful, not to mention thinking bad thoughts and stressing over world issues. I've allowed myself to get worked up into knots again. Sometimes it is not easy to escape the vortex of emotion when insulted, accused of wrong doing and observing atrocities happening in so  many places to so many people. Sometimes the anger just boils up and takes a long time to settle back down.