If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Some have posed the question, “If you could go back to high school, would you?” 

For myself, no.  I don’t want to go back and live my life over. Once is enough. 

Another popular question, “If you could give advice to your younger self, what would it be?”

I would tell my younger self, “Don’t be anxious over things not in your control. Everything will work out one way or the other. If it is the other, you’ll survive.” 

Oh, but would she listen, even to that? I doubt it.

I have let go most of my worries only because I have walked through the fires and experienced God’s miracles. Had I not suffered and God had not rescued me, would my faith have grown? Would I be able to give my troubles to God and leave them there, along with the anxiety and fear? 

I still fall now and then into that dark abyss, but not as often or for as long. Most dismal circumstances can lead to immense good. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. And I believe. 

No wonder Jesus said, “Blessed are they who have not seen, and have believed.” 

"So, my younger self, don’t fret. Don’t worry. Trust God and do the best you can with the knowledge and experience you have, and most of all, forgive. Forgive others and then forgive yourself. God has, and you should too."

Silent Communication

As I have aged it seems my relationship with God has increased. I see Him everywhere, His messages are in my Scripture readings, in my devotions, and in every nuance of my life. When I form a thought, He answers (confirms) in silent communication, that is silent to others, loud and clear to me.

The future is fraught with uncertainties, and yet now after years of worrying, I have learned put it all in God's hands and leave it there. The miracles surrounding the purchase of our new home gave me the final push to finally do this. In our payday to payday existence, owning another home was an impossibility that God made miraculously possible.

Yes, we closed on the loan last Friday. We are homeowners once again, inspite of all the roadblocks and deep canyons. God removed and spanned each one, and taught me, once again, to believe in Him rather than my circumstances.

As new issues on the emerged on the horizon, I have not (as yet) opened the door to Worry and Anxiety. This time I passed by. Nothing there for me. God has my future handled. Period. As if in confirmation, Psalm 27, one of God's many silent communications, was in my devotions. And not just any verses, but the ones He always repeats when I need their encouragement or reinforcement: Verses 1,4, 13-14:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

One thing I have asked of the Lord, this I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord. "

Of course our conversation didn't stop there. Matthew 9: 27-31 was also in my devotions. Verse 28: "...And Jesus said to them, Do you believe that I can do this unto you?"

Yes, Lord. I do.

The Juggling Act vs. The Wish List

So, how did I do this week with my attempt to balance my life? Well, the it resembled the picture to the left, there won't be any talent agencies offering me a contract for my juggling abilities. Out of all the balls I tossed into the air, I manage two phone calls to family and only made it out to the glider once - for about five minutes. 

What black hole is sucking up my time? After more reflection , I think I've discovered culprit No.2 - age. ( seeThe Wish List for Culprit No.1).

Yep it's age. When my kids were still young, I dreamed about all the time I would have after they were grown. Then, my dad burst that bubble. "You won't have any extra time after the kids are gone, because it will take you twice as long to do everything."

Guess what? Now that I have reached that same age bracket, I have to admit he was right, and that is something I fail to account for in my To Do Lists and my Wish Lists. When making those lists,  I feel invincible  with more energy than the Eveready Bunny, until I actually start doing the things on my list.

Okay, so what do I do now? I need to do something because I am falling further and further behind and becoming more frustrated. Should just accept the fact I can't do it all and just let it all go? The selfish part of my ego is screaming, no, terrified the things left off the list will be the ones I want to do the most. Is there any hope?

The Age Factor

After numerous failed attempts to find permanent employment, I am fighting discouragement and despair. Several friends, who are HR administrators, have agreed my age is a huge factor in my job search. Granted, it is illegal to discriminate because of age, but proving discrimination is hard.  And although I have seen jobs I applied for go to applicants with half my skill and experience - and half my age, it would still be hard to prove. If I wanted to. Personally, I do not want to work for a company I forced through litigation to hire me. The work place is a tough enough environment without adding that kind of stress.

Ironically, I am too young to retire and too old to be employed. Then an added disadvantage, I don’t speak a second language, which becoming more and more a requirement, at least in our area.

Add the looming changes in Federal taxes and other regulations which will negatively impact my husband’s and my finances even further,my husband is considering becoming an Ex-Pat, moving to a foreign country where our dollar will go further. I love my country and am not sure this is what I want to do, but I can’t argue against the financial aspect. Statistics show over 3 million retirees are moving to other countries in order to spread out their retirement funds. Most are going to South America where the peso to dollar ratio is three to one.  

Money isn’t everything, and there are many other things to consider. With my husband it is also the desire to travel. Living abroad would also give us that opportunity. What to do?

Amid my desperate prayers for wisdom, my devotions offered these nuggets of spiritual insight.

Streams in the Desert November 25, 26 and 27:

11/25: “To him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory. Ephesians 3:20-21.

The same power that saved us, washed us with His blood, filled us with the power of His Holy Spirit, and protected us through numerous temptations will work for us to meet every emergency, every crisis, every circumstance, and every adversary. The Alliance.”

11/26: “And One asked softly, ‘Why, indeed, take overanxious thought for what tomorrow brings you? See you not The Father knows just what you need?’ ” [Reference to Luke 12:22-30 – The Lilies of the Field]

11/27: “Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37) “Therefore may we continue to persevere, for even if we took our circumstances and cast all the darkness of human doubt upon them and then hastily piled as many difficulties together as we could find against God’s divine work, we could never move beyond the blessedness of His miracle-working power. May we place our faith completely in Him, for He is the God of the impossible.”

When I look back at all my former difficulties, I see His hand, all of His miraculous deliveries. Impossibilities made possible. Faith was, and is, the difference. The deeper our faith, the more profound and amazing His miracles.

With that in mind, I am giving it all to Him to figure out, for without doubt “…they that hope in the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall take wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40: 31.  And, I will “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13. He has promised.