Sunday, December 29, 2013

Once Blind

Wally Gobetz Photography
Several years ago, at the age of fifty-six, I accidently hit on the Book of Tobias, Chapter 14:1-4.

"And the words of Tobias were ended. And after Tobias was restored to his sight, he lived two and forty years, and saw the the children of his grandchildren. And after he had lived a hundred and two years, he was buried honourably in Ninive. For he was six-and fifty years of age when he lost the sight of his eyes, and sixty when he recovered it again. And the rest of his life was in joy, and with great increase of the fear of God he departed in peace."

I thought the age similarity interesting, especially since at the time I was struggling with a horrendous crises and teetered on the edge of serious depression. Of course, God was there, as always, but I couldn't really see His hand in my struggle. I was blind to His presence.

Looking back, I have been blind to His presence most of the time. Oh, I saw His miracles and gave thanks for them, but each time one appeared, it did so in spite of my doubts. I believed God was capable, that wasn't the issue, but I wasn't sure He wanted to grant the prayer, and I struggled with fear along with the doubt. I turned into a worrier, constantly anxious, over everything.  Time and again God showed me His compassion, but it never penetrated my What If mentality.

I thought about the passage a great deal, and conjured some miraculous event to occur the year I turned sixty. When the magical day came, nothing miraculous happened, no extraordinary event to herald better times. If anything, my circumstance were almost worse than those at age fifty-six.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Silent Communication

As I have aged it seems my relationship with God has increased. I see Him everywhere, His messages are in my Scripture readings, in my devotions, and in every nuance of my life. When I form a thought, He answers (confirms) in silent communication, that is silent to others, loud and clear to me.

The future is fraught with uncertainties, and yet now after years of worrying, I have learned put it all in God's hands and leave it there. The miracles surrounding the purchase of our new home gave me the final push to finally do this. In our payday to payday existence, owning another home was an impossibility that God made miraculously possible.

Yes, we closed on the loan last Friday. We are homeowners once again, inspite of all the roadblocks and deep canyons. God removed and spanned each one, and taught me, once again, to believe in Him rather than my circumstances.

As new issues on the emerged on the horizon, I have not (as yet) opened the door to Worry and Anxiety. This time I passed by. Nothing there for me. God has my future handled. Period. As if in confirmation, Psalm 27, one of God's many silent communications, was in my devotions. And not just any verses, but the ones He always repeats when I need their encouragement or reinforcement: Verses 1,4, 13-14:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

One thing I have asked of the Lord, this I will seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord. "

Of course our conversation didn't stop there. Matthew 9: 27-31 was also in my devotions. Verse 28: "...And Jesus said to them, Do you believe that I can do this unto you?"

Yes, Lord. I do.

Monday, December 9, 2013

When The Other Shoe Drops

We were told we were approved for the house loan, then the day before Thanksgiving, the Other Shoe dropped. Now the underwriters want a guarantee from my employer ( a temp agency), that I should I be laid off from my current position, which I have held with the same company for over two years, that I will be placed immediately in another position.

My blood pressure soared. No employer can give a guarantee that an employee will never be laid off or fired. And, how can a temp agency guarantee an employee will be placed in another position immediately? Impossible.

Bill and I were agony. One week away from closing the loan and everything else approved and then have the dream of owning a home again snatched away at the last second. I called my employer (the temp agency) and told them what the underwriters were asking for.