Once Blind

Wally Gobetz Photography

Several years ago, at the age of fifty-six, I accidently hit on the Book of Tobias, Chapter 14:1-4.

"And the words of Tobias were ended. And after Tobias was restored to his sight, he lived two and forty years, and saw the the children of his grandchildren. And after he had lived a hundred and two years, he was buried honourably in Ninive. For he was six-and fifty years of age when he lost the sight of his eyes, and sixty when he recovered it again. And the rest of his life was in joy, and with great increase of the fear of God he departed in peace."

I thought the age similarity interesting, especially since at the time I was struggling with a horrendous crises and teetered on the edge of serious depression. Of course, God was there, as always, but I couldn't really see His hand in my struggle. I was blind to His presence.

Looking back, I have been blind to His presence most of the time. Oh, I saw His miracles and gave thanks for them, but each time one appeared, it did so in spite of my doubts. I believed God was capable, that wasn't the issue, but I wasn't sure He wanted to grant the prayer, and I struggled with fear along with the doubt. I turned into a worrier, constantly anxious, over everything.  Time and again God showed me His compassion, but it never penetrated my What If mentality.

I thought about the passage a great deal, and conjured some miraculous event to occur the year I turned sixty. When the magical day came, nothing miraculous happened, no extraordinary event to herald better times. If anything, my circumstance were almost worse than those at age fifty-six.

As I wrote before, I have yet to find permanent employment since our move from Arizona four years ago. Tough on the nerves knowing any day could be my last day with the company. After two years in this same position, it will be tough to leave.  I like my job, my bosses and my co-workers. In the middle of this, the house issue was added, along with concerns over my future finances, family health issues and a few family misunderstandings which caused much pain and anguish.  If God had given me some miraculous deliverance from all of my concerns, I sure didn't see it.

My stress level raised another notch when my husband announced he wanted to buy a house. All I saw were the stumbling blocks. He saw possibility. Well, as my earlier posts revealed, we did manage to purchase a home in spite of what looked like insurmountable odds.

After we closed the loan, I told myself this was only one hurdle. There would be more, each one following the other until I take my last breath. It was then my sight was restored. There was no fanfare, nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe like the Grinch, my heart expanded, growing several  sizes bigger, because in the next heartbeat, my worry was gone, evaporated. Where I was once blind, I now saw. I've gone from a chronic worrier, to a firm believer. God will take care of me. Period.

My new sight was evident when my current boss announced I may not be employed with the company after the end of January. This time the old worry chain did not start up. I remembered the miracles around the house and could honestly say God had something else up His sleeve. Either I will stay longer than my boss anticipates, or there is another job waiting, maybe one I'll  like even better than the one I now have, and it might even be closer to the new house, eliminating a forty-plus minute commute. I can truly say, I am not worried - about anything.

Concern is still there about family health and other issues, but concern is a lot different from worry and anxiety. And so, I can believe the scripture and continue the rest of my life in joy, and with great increase of the fear of God until I too depart in peace. I can say this because this joy and peace is not related to my circumstances, but to my unwavering faith that God really, really does have my future in His hands. Really.