Conflicts, Disagreements, and Wisdom

“A wise woman wishes to be no one’s enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone’s victim.”  Maya Angelou.

This quote resounded deeply with me this week.  A family member consistently posts hateful memes on social media.  Everyone has a right to their opinions and beliefs, and I respect that. However, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”

These memes were intended to inflict pain and incite hatred. I had enough and posted a rebuttal. I did not name the person, but pleaded for respect for others, myself included. I added the fact Martin Luther King and Gandhi changed the world without promoting violence and hate.  

I rarely have outbursts like that, and it shocked everyone, but it worked. The family member agreed it was time to end the hatred and post positive, uplifting things. Isn’t that really what social media is for? To be sociable? I truly believe there are other forums better suited for political debate. 

I have friends both liberal and conservative, non-Christian and Christian, non-white, gay and straight. It doesn’t matter as long as their fists don’t connect with anyone else’s nose, including mine. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, just as I don’t agree with everyone either. That's okay. Diversity is part of God's design and we should celebrate it rather than disparage it. 

When do we turn the other cheek? When do we stand up for what we consider is right? I believe it depends on our motives. Are we standing up only for personal satisfaction, pushing our agenda on someone else, or do we see an injustice that needs to be addressed? Even so, the latter should not be done through violence to others and we have a right not to become victims.

Another quote helped put things into more perspective. “You can focus on the person who hurt you, or the God who healed you.” Christine Caine.

I stood up for what I felt was right, and now it’s time to forgive and let it go.

I pray for all who are hurting and suffering in this broken world. I pray they open their hearts and minds to God’s love and healing. I pray for an end to hate and violence in word and deed. Amen.  

Parameters and Patience

Our Brittany pup, Cooper, is stretching my patience, the chewing, the digging, the nipping. Our list of repairs is growing. The lower siding of the house has chew marks. The lawn has various sized holes. The woodwork in the hallway bears teeth marks, and the lining in the bed of the truck is now hanging in strips on one side. Sigh.

Often he is too excited, jumping, nipping, and grabbing our clothing. Other times he is the sweetest pup, loving, obedient, and fun to have around. 

After a particularly bad afternoon, I lost my patience when he tore through the house smearing mud on our off-white carpet. A quick peek out the door confirmed the source, a huge hole right off the patio. When I tried to grab him and subdue him so I could clean his feet, the free-for-all was on, which pushed several of my buttons. When things settled down, wise words came to mind. “A dog’s bad behavior is usually the fault of the owner.”

Guilty. Our training book emphasizes, “You cannot leave a pup younger than one year unattended.” Period. I was doing other things rather than watching Cooper in the yard. He got bored, and the hole was the result. Who’s fault was that?

This morning, I vowed to take a different approach. After re-reading the how-to-manual on puppy obedience, I reapplied the experts’ advice. You can guess the results. I enjoyed the interaction as much as Cooper did, one of the big reasons we wanted another pup. We wanted the joy of companionship and the pleasure of doing things with him. I was amazed how quickly he responded when I kept my cool and used persuasion instead of force. (Hmm, works that way with other things in life too.)

So, once again, I learned a life lesson from my dog. Patience, coupled with firmness, more than music, soothes the savage beast. At least the savage eleven-month-old Brittany.  I can see applications in other areas of my life too. Anger and resentment only leads to more anger and resentment, and certainly contributes to problems.

With Cooper, when he wants to jump and nip, I do what the experts suggested. I tell him “off” and turn my back. He stops. He’s not getting the attention he wants and stops his unwanted behavior. After he calms down, we interact again.

Psychologists say it also works with naughty children. I’ll even stretch it to include misbehaving adults, as long as they aren’t wielding an ax. Then, I recommend running.

Humor aside, I can see laying down parameters, then turning my back on inappropriate behavior, resuming interaction when they can respond in a respectful manner. This also would improve my attitude, reduce my anxiety, and lesson my tendency toward anger. It will take practice and some self-control, a good thing.

Now, if I can just remember all of this when Cooper, or a cranky driver, push my buttons….

With God, anything is possible.

Mother's Day

Traditionally this is the day we honor our mothers. I have done that in the past, and will certainly be calling my mother and wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day, but I will spend most of the day in reflection. What kind of mother was I? Did I nurture and encourage as well as instruct? Did I guide more than demand?

From my perspective as a mother of grown children, I can only say that sometimes I succeeded and other times I failed. I hope my children remember my love and encouragement and choose to forgive and forget my failings They still me haunt after all these years.

It is my faith that keeps those painful memories from driving me toward depression or addictions. God loves me in spite of my failings, just as I love my children in spite of theirs.

As for my own mother, at this point I view her mistakes in a much different light. Intent far outweighs action. Even though I didn’t always agree with her choices, her intention was one of guidance and instruction, metered with love. And her choices helped me to make the right choices as a child as well as an adult. I am the person I am at this moment, not only because of my life experiences, but also because of the foundation my mother laid early in my growing years. I knew right from wrong, even when I chose wrong. 

I am fortunate my mother is still alive and in reasonably good health. In fact, I am lucky to still have both of my parents. They are my most faithful fan club and ardent supporters. I try to do the same for my children, a bit more difficult now that they are scattered across several states and lead very busy lives, but we manage through social sites, phone calls, and those rare and precious visits. 

I wish my daughter a very Happy Mother's Day. She is passing on the same guidance and structure dolled out with love, patience, and understanding that my mother used with me, and I tried to follow with my children. In fact, all of my children have been good parents, in spite of my flawed example. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms who love and cherish their children, regardless whether that love was perfect or not. We tried, we cared, and most of all, we loved, and will continue to love past our last breath and on through eternity. 

Don't Worry About Them

With so much going on in the world today, and especially with the election drawing so close, our attention is drawn to thousands of issues. We worry, we stew, we wring our hands. We shake our fingers at the unkind, the vengeful, the violent. We say bad things about this one or that one, particularly in the political circles. That politician is bad. That political party is radical and hateful. Those people are intolerant, lying, morally corrupt.
We spend a great deal of time judging and condemning. We expend so much energy it amazes me we have any strength to do anything else.  

We don't seem to learn. God said "Do not judge or you shall be judged." Yet, we do, over and over. What if we spent that energy fixing us? What if we didn't worry about what that politician, or that group was doing, and worked on our flaws? Of course we need to be vigilant against injustices and be active in our political procedures as responsible citizens, but what if we didn't worry so much about how the other guy needs to change?

It is a fact that sensationalism sells. The more spectacular the story, the more base the action, the more we pay attention. In some ways our social media and news programs have become glitzy gossip channels. The accusations fly before the truth is uncovered. We have become a society of tolerant intolerance.

I fell into this trap this past week on both the personal and national front. I got caught up in the media feeding frenzy and in a smaller dynamic at work. God has again stepped in and straightened out my thoughts and consequently my behavior. He basically told me not to worry about Them. I need to worry about me.

Am I being kind, thoughtful, and tolerant toward those different from me? Do I respect another's opinion even though I disagree?

It boils down to something very simple: I have no influence over anyone but myself. I can not control anything but my own reactions. I cannot force someone to change their mind or behavior. But, I can change  mine.  I would have far less stress and frustration if I quit worrying so much about others.

This also includes good as well as bad. I need to stop comparing others to myself. Period. I am not the yardstick by which all things are measured. God is, particularly in His humanity, Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on Him and not worry about what others are doing, unless they are hurting themselves or someone else.

I need to pray more and judge less. I need to listen more and talk less. I need to stop believing I am in the right, and they are in the wrong. I need to stop needing to be right. I need to rely more on God's judgement. I need to trust Him to fix those who need to be fixed, including me. I need to put more energy into being in union with Him.

The end result will be a person who is joyful regardless of her circumstances. A person with more energy to enjoy the good things in the world, in others and in herself. That new person will be much, much happier and less stressed. Why is it so hard to become that person?