Now I Understand ...

Image by kalhh from Pixabay 

I wondered why Judas’ suicide was the greater sin. This quote from St. Catherine of Sienna explained why. Judas displeased God more by his suicide than his betrayal of Jesus because he judged his misery (sin) to be greater than God’s mercy.  

St. Catherine also writes that despair is one of the Devil’s chief weapons, worry being the other. No sin is too great for God’s mercy, except our own false judgment.

None of my mistakes matter once I repent and receive (accept) God’s forgiveness. Yet, I still struggle to forgive myself. After the No Fishing lesson, I’ve gotten better, but I still play the reruns now and then. Why?

I’m worried if I forget about those sins, I’ll repeat them. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I don't need to wallow in my misery (too often of my own creation). First, I need to remember the situation will not last. Second, changing my focus from myself to others pulls me from my self-absorption. Third, I should not be too stubborn to ask for help.

Most of the time, my misery stems from expecting more of myself than others do, especially my husband. If I ask, he often has a better plan or his willing to help. But my stiff-necked, stubborn, martyr persona rejects the idea, thinking he should know I need help. Sounds a lot like what St. Catherine wrote about, loving my misery more than anyone’s help.

Her words are like a two-by-four right between the eyes.

The next time I want to wallow in any misery, be it over past mistakes or my misguided sense of responsibility, I’ll remember this little gem.

Thank you, Lord, for pointing out another of my misunderstandings and mistakes. Never let me wallow in my misery, rejecting your mercy. Amen.

 

 

St. Paul and Three Christmas Miracles

I think of Saint Paul often.  He thought of himself as the lesser Apostle, not worthy of being called an Apostle. I feel the same unworthiness being called a child of God. I recount my failings in an endless cycle I can’t seem to stop.

  

While the Apostle often speaks of his transgressions and weaknesses, he also exhorts God’s mercy. God forgave all of his sins, including the persecution and murder of the Church, and called him to be an Apostle.

This same mercy also applies to my sins. Yet I still fall into an all too familiar state of wretchedness, which seems to escalate during the holidays.

Christmas day, I struggled with wanting to go to church and dreading going alone. I decided to put my personal issues aside and attend.

 A woman walking just ahead of me, stopped and said, “Good morning.”

I smiled. “Good morning. I see you’re going alone too.”

She nodded. “Yes. Shall we go alone, together?”

My smile broadened. “Yes.”

God’s first miracle. This woman and I sat together as friends although we had never met. We shared the knowing looks, the small talk, the smiles, and the little courtesies good friends share. 

Just that was enough, but God had more planned for me that day.

As our pastor told us the story of the angels appearing to the shepherds, I saw a vision of angels surrounding him, a line of celestial bodies extending farther than I could see, a tiny glimpse of the glory of that holy night. God's second gift. 

The scene changed. I saw my death, my body collapsed on the floor of our living room.

Jesus appeared, reached down and grasped my hand. He pulled me up into his embrace, put his arm around my shoulders, and personally escorted me into heaven. He showed me amazing things, delighting in my astonishment with each revelation as a loving parent would a child. With my every exclamation, His joy increased.

The vision faded, but not its impact.

  

I no longer fear death. How can I?

I understand St. Paul’s desire to complete this race we call life. I am ready anytime God calls me, but in the meantime, I will live my life with an altered set of priorities, and with less fear. God's third gift.

“In all things we suffer tribulations, but are not distressed; we are straitened, but are not destitute; We suffer persecution, but are not forsaken; we are cast down, but we perish not: Always bearing about in our body the mortification of Jesus, that the life also of Jesus may be made manifest in our bodies. For we who live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake that the life also of Jesus may be made manifest in our mortal flesh. So then death works in us, but life in you.” 2 Corinthians 4: 8- 12

Foot Note: It just occurred to me, the church I attend is named for St. Paul. God never leaves out a detail.