Becoming a Child Again

Photo by Rudy Anderson at Pixabay

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3 that “unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” I can’t remember the last time I was so overwhelmed with joy I jumped around and squealed with delight like a child.

I thought that meant to have faith and trust like a child, but what if he also means to have the same joy?

Since my vow this last year to be happy,  I don't spend time anxiously trying to figure out how to solve all the problems in my life or the world. Instead, I offer the intentions in prayer every morning, give the worry to him, and listen for his urging in what step I should take next, whether it be more prayer or some kind of action. He never fails to indicate in one way or the other what He wants me to do.

Without that kind of pressure, I do enjoy more things, anticipating the pleasant rather than the unpleasant, and can lose myself in an activity without feeling anxious about a current problem. Come to think of it, depending entirely on Him and not myself is very much like becoming a child again.

With this freedom I have been more productive with writing and painting. Productive but still a bit critical. That too has a purpose, as long as I don’t dwell on the imperfections and instead work to improve. Same with faith and trust. It takes practice and effort to get better at it.

Children do that. They keep working at the things they love, eternally optimistic they can achieve anything. They also see the wonder and the beauty of things many adults take for granted. My art has kept me from becoming complacent in that regard, always looking for subjects for future paintings, but life has beaten down the unbridled joy of a child at Christmas.

Will I ever gain that back? Probably not, but I can keep working on my vow to be happy regardless of my circumstances, one hour, one day, one step at a time.

As my heroine in my current novel says, “We may not know what the future holds for us. All we can see is today, an hour at a time — stepping-stones leading us toward the fulfillment of God’s plan for our lives, but regardless of where our path leads, what sorrows we will endure, we can be sure the path will also be filled with great joy.”

May it be child like in its exuberance, unfiltered, and fully expressed. 

Converting

For as long as I can remember, I have been consumed by passions, an over developed sense of responsibility, and the desire to be in control. Sound familiar?

I planned each minute of every day, adhering to a strict schedule devoid of any spontaneity. I went as far as to begin each morning planning not just that day’s schedule, but contingency plans for every conceivable variation. Well, I tried. I was the teachers’ darling, the exemplary employee, the most responsible mom, a devoted wife — and I was miserable. 

Jesus’ admonishment to be “converted, and become as little children” puzzled me. How could I be like a child when I was a responsible adult, carrying the world on my shoulders? I couldn’t just drop out. I had a husband and children to care for, a boss to obey.

Retirement removed most of my responsibilities, and yet I still kept up the paranoid plotting and planning, believing if I planned enough and worked hard enough, I could control everything in my life. It gave me a false sense of security. I had a deep faith, but I trusted my own strength first, only giving God the heavy stuff, when I felt backed into a corner. 

When I recently re-read the passage from Matthew, I finally understood the message. All the needless planning and plotting created an old soul, weighed down by burdens God never intended that I should carry. 

Yes, I can plan, but casually without going into every possible contingency. This revelation gave me a get-out-of-jail card. By relinquishing control, I became as a child, trusting a loving Father to consul me, as well as to supply my needs. 

The old thought patterns still arise, but I shoo them away. I don’t want to be trapped in the old lie again. I doubt I need to worry about suddenly becoming an irresponsible or foolish senior. My sense of responsibility is far too ingrained for that, but I can certainly work harder to be a dependent, obedient child, accepting God’s guidance, freely and cheerfully performing the tasks he sets before me.

What is on today's agenda? Other than the usual basics, I haven't a clue...