He Called My Name

Image by Alexa from Pixabay

I recently detected possible symptoms of cancer in my right breast. The earliest appointment for my annual mammogram isn’t until the 12^th of May. An appointment with my physician isn’t available until the 5^th.

I stood in the master bathroom rubbing my temples, trying to figure out what to do if my cancer had returned. How was I going to manage another mastectomy while living alone, selling my house, and packing for my eventual move? If the house sold, where would I live while I underwent treatments? 

A voice called from the front room. “Marie!”

I answered without thinking. “What?”

Then, I remembered I was alone in the house.

But in case it was one of my neighbors, I hurried to the front room. Of course, there was no one there.

Chills ran up and down my arms. I definitely heard a voice, but that made no sense.

Unable to explain or rationalize the incident, I put it aside — until two scriptures popped up in my FB newsfeed when I opened the app. Jeremiah 29:11 and Ecclesiastes 3:1. Both verses had been in my recent devotions multiple times, and yet I didn’t take them to heart.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1: “For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven.”

Although the verses seemed to refer to my current situation, I still didn’t take them as personal promises.

Looking for a distraction, I watched a movie. One of the characters quoted none other than Jeremiah 29:11.

Between my shouted name and the repetitions of the scriptures, I once again gave my concerns to God. My cancer symptoms disappeared. My realtor called with appointments for more showings. A few buyers indicated serious interest. Although, none have made an offer, I’m not worried. At least right now. I’m sure doubts and insecurities will raise their ugly heads again, but I have no doubt God will devise an amazing way to get my attention and reassure me he is still in control of my future.

Dear Lord, thank you for loving me enough to shout at me like the wayward child I am and reassure me I don’t need to fear the future. You are already there. Amen.

 

Fear

Some people are afraid of spiders, black cats, ghosts, goblins, zombies, heights, or snakes. Some of these are legitimate fears, others irrational. I have my own mix of terrors. I never used to be scared of heights, but I am now. I don’t like spiders, but I’m not afraid of them. Same with snakes. I am terrified of grizzly bears and one other thing — death. But not my own.

After losing two husbands, I was terrified God would take my current one too soon. He’s healthy, and there is no indication his death was imminent, but I still worried.

In truth, I also worried about my son when he was first born. My brother died from SIDS at three months, and I agonized over the possibility my child would too. After the anniversary month passed, I relaxed, only to have that worry replaced by another. Even my brush with breast cancer was not as terrifying as my anxiety over losing my husband.

This changed last Sunday.

God used another series of odd coincidences to first get my attention and then remind me of His promise that my husband and I would grow old together. At the same time, I realized I was worrying about things out of my control. With that revelation, my apprehensions melted, vanished, disappeared.

I have not woken in the middle of the night to check on my husband’s breathing. When he slept late, I did not sneak into the room and watch for the rise and fall of his chest. His errands the other day ran longer than I expected, but I didn’t pace the floor wringing my hands, or stare out the window willing his truck to appear.

I know one day death will separate us for a time, but when it comes, God will already be there offering His comfort and His strength.

The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom [or what] shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?

I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord. 

I do believe.