Karma

Photo by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

When I was younger, I loved rearranging things, furniture, kitchenware, wall hangings and the list went on. I now realize it was my way of coping with stress from my abusive first marriage. My second husband and our three kids, having no clue as to the reason behind my compulsiveness, complained, often and loud. They tired of the treasure hunt to find the silverware, the plates, pots and pans, and glassware. One night was the final straw for my sweet husband.

Insomnia plagued me for years for the same reason as my compulsive rearranging. During a particularly bad night, I snuck out of bed and rearranged the living room and family room, hoping the mental and physical exercise would tire me enough to sleep. About halfway through, I collapsed, too tired to clean up my mess. I left plants out in the middle of the room and furniture at odd angles.

Early the next morning, this exclamation from my husband levitated me from the bed. “We’ve been robbed! Wait, the TV is still here. And the stereo. Who’d steal the plants?”

By the time I sauntered into the living room, he’d figured it out. He glared at me. “You will never again rearrange furniture in the middle of the night. Understand?”

I nodded. “I promise.”

I kept that promise, but I got into trouble one other time. Home alone, I gave into another compulsion to rearrange. Believing I was being smart, I tagged all the wires on the entertainment system so I could move it and reattach everything. However, the TV was one of the large and heavy early models. I managed to roll it about halfway across the room before it tipped. I watched in horror as it landed with a loud crash and all my little tabs floated in the air like confetti. The TV survived the rough landing, but after my husband spent two hours trying to figure out how to reconnect everything his tech savvy nephew had set up, He forbid me from moving furniture, ever.

Jump thirty years into the future. The Queen of Rearranging has met her match. My current husband (I've remarried after being widowed twice) wants to move furniture every few months. That’s more than even I can stand.

However, he bribed me with a designated hobby room if I'd help move those large bookcases and his horridly heavy desk. (It’s so big and heavy, the top comes off to make it easier to move.)  It turned into a chain reaction. We ended up moving furniture in every room.  The only thing we didn’t move was the 80-inch TV. (There's some Karma in that!)

I’m tired and bruised. Add to my tale of woe, when I carried in one of the decoration boxes in from the garage, a fire ant stung my arm. The same arm the yellow jacket stung me this last summer. We don’t have a fire ant nest in the garage. I checked. In fact, there isn’t a single red ant in there, except the one on that box. I swear if there is a biting-stinging bug within fifty miles, it will find me. It’s been three days, and it still hurts. (Insert proper whine.)

Still, the new arrangements solved several issues we’ve had with the house. I shared the guest room with my art. When I wanted to sew, I had to use the dining table. We used the family room only when we had company, which is rare since our family lives in another state. We had only two chairs in the living room, now we have more. The former family room is now a more useable den. And I have a designated hobby room! First time in my life I don’t have to put everything away the moment I’m done painting or sewing.

I haven’t told all the family or friends about this last rearranging adventure, but I can already hear them laughing, pointing fingers and saying, “Haha! Karma strikes again!”

Here are some before and after photos. I am happy with the results, Karma or not. 

What about you? Do like to rearrange or are you happy with things the way they are? 

Me First

In spite of my best efforts, recent events shattered my equilibrium and I allowed ego, fear, jealousy and resentment to cloud my vision, color my experiences and generally make me miserable. Not to the same degree as before, but it was clear I needed to find a better way of getting out of this spiral of emotions. But, I didn't know how to begin.

After prayer and reflection, God answered through the beautiful thoughts and writings of others.


Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

I memorized this prayer as a young girl, but had a hard time putting it into practice. My ego always  seemed to get in the way, and yet, it is said, if you do not love yourself, you cannot love others. So, how do we love ourselves without being narcissitic and self- serving?

Richard Rohr offers some very good insight in how to do that from his book, The Naked Now.

• If you want others to be more loving, choose to love first.
• If you want a reconciled the outer world, reconcile your own inner world.
• If you are working for peace out there, create it inside as well.
• If you notice other people's irritability, let go of your own.
• If you wish to find some outer stillness, find it within yourself.
• If you are working for justice, treat yourself justly too.
• If you find yourself resenting the faults of others, stop resenting your own.
• If the world seems desperate, let go of your own despair.
• If you want a just world, start being just in small ways yourself.
• If your situation feels hopeless, honor the one spot of hope inside you.
• If you want to find God, then honor God within you, and you will always see God beyond you. For it is only God in you who  knows where and how to look for God. 

The premise is simple. If I do not know how to love, forgive and nurture myself, how can I extend those virtues to others? This is the scriptural meaning of humility: to accept God's love and mercy as an undeserved, free gift, and in turn give it away to others - freely - without judgement.

 Yes, very simple indeed, but so very, very hard to put into practice, and that is the key - practice. The more I try, the easier it will be to follow these premises. As an aide, I copied the above onto a small card I intend to carry with me for a quick referral during my enevitable lapses.

This will be helpful, but I do not need to be overly anxious about remembering all of it. If  my heart is truly in the right place, God will do the rest. As I have mentioned before, it is not how many times I have failed, but how hard I try. It is the effort that counts, one step, one incident at a time - remembering when I do fail, God has already forgiven me. All I have to do is ask and then accept it.

What will all of this lead to? Joy, and peace the world cannot give. I am all for it. How about you?