It’s a lie, and I bought it. I knew better, yet I
still did it. A long time ago, when I was in therapy trying to handle the
aftermath of my ex-husband’s abuse, my counselor gave me the wisest counsel. I
cannot control anything in this life, except my reactions.
How easy it is to forget. I posted last week that
over planning and over preparing create their own sources of agony, (The Agony of Planning Too Far Ahead). This week, during my meditations, I realized the other half. All the
planning and preparing are a manifestation of my attempts at control. If I plan
enough and work hard enough for every intimate detail, I will control my life.
But I
have no control. I can’t prepare or plan for every contingency. I. Can’t. But,
I think I can, and that’s the lie.
I have always left the big things in God’s hands,
but recently I have tried to control all the little ones, dutifully listed on reams of
paper.
Like an alcoholic at an AA meeting, I must admit I
am a control freak and take honest steps to stop.
After all, who really has control? God.
How did I move from total trust in him to giving
him only the big stuff? Isn’t he concerned about the small things too? The
Bible has numerous stories of God taking care of the little details as well as the
big picture. And really, if I miss one task on my list of household chores,
what is the worst thing that would happen? I’d do it another day. Gasp!
Would that make me a bad housekeeper, or a bad
person? Would the world end? Really?
How easy it is to allow The Lie to control my
thoughts and actions.
My new goal is to follow my husband’s example and
be a bit more spontaneous, allow a certain amount of uncertainty to exist — and
not fight it. After all, it will exist regardless of what I do anyway, so why
struggle?
I’ve learned this lesson once before. Will it
stick this time, or will I fall back into the lie, giving into the urge to over
plan and over prepare for every possible contingency?
I hope not. I pray not.
I can overcome this, as long as I remember to
trust God, and not myself. After all, with God all things are possible, even a
life filled with more spontaneity, and as a result, more joy.
A good lesson to learn! :)
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