Squirrels, Bacon, God and the Devil

One of the things I remember most about my grandmother was her sense of humor - and her stories. Even as a young girl I repeated them to any willing audience.

My mother cautioned me. “Marie, just because your Grandmother told you that, doesn’t mean you should repeat it.”

Now, my grandmother did not cuss. She was a woman of tremendous faith and to my knowledge never spoke or acted improperly, but my mother followed Emily Post to the letter. Bodily functions were never mentioned, and the particular story in question was a satire on Gone With the Wind...

“Mama, what happened to Daddy?”

“Well, son he is Gone With the Wind…”

 My mother was horrified.

Other stories described everyday experiences, told with a humorous twist, such as the two hunters determined to live off the land. After several days with no success, except one small squirrel, they argued over who would eat it.

“Tell ya, what.” Frank said. “Let’s go to sleep, and the one who has the best dream gets the squirrel.”

Howard agreed.

Both men lay down, wrapped in old, tattered blankets against the chill night air, and dreamed.

Early the next morning they compared their dreams while sitting around a small fire, bellies growling with anticipation.

Harold said, “I had the best dream by far. I dreamed I went to heaven on a sofa.”

Frank shook his head, “Naw. I had the best dream. I saw you going and I got up and et the squirrel.”

Another described a Russian and a German hunting in the high country. They had poor luck and their provisions were running low. Down to one slab of bacon, not quite big enough for both men, the Russian suggested a tug of war.

You bite one end, I’ll bite the other. The first to let go loses and the other gets to eat the bacon.” 

“Agreed.” The German replied.

The two men bit their respective ends of the slab.

Through clinched teeth the Russian asked, “Is you ready?”

The German replied, “Yah.”

Are you still with me? Or are you shaking your head and hitting the close button? Wait, the best is yet to come…I promise.

My favorite was the story of the two young boys picking walnuts on a very hot August afternoon. After an hour or so they managed to fill a brown paper sack full of the nuts. They left the orchard, walking toward home along a narrow, dusty road. The sun was hot, they were thirsty, and the overloaded sack was tearing. They passed a cemetery with huge shade trees and thigh high green grass.

The older boy said, “This bag isn’t going to hold all the way home. Let’s go in, sit in the shade and divide these walnuts.”

The younger one nodded. “I could sure sit in the cool shade for a while.”

They crossed over the fence using the stile (steps built over the fence to facilitate crossing from one side to the other). At the top two walnuts fell from the bottom of the bag.

The older boy said. “Let’s leave those and pick them up on our way back.”

“Fine with me. I just want to sit down in that cool grass.”

The boys walked several yards into the cemetery and collapsed beneath a huge willow.

Tearing the sack open the older boy divided the walnuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

A pair of Winos came down the road. They stopped beside the stile, leaned against its worn wood, and passed a bottle back and forth.

From inside the graveyard they heard a voice. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

One Wino elbowed the other. “Hey, hear that? That’s God and the Devil in there dividin’ up those poor souls.”

The other man’s eyes widened as he listened.

“One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me.”

Beneath the willow tree, the boys had finished dividing the nuts. The older boy said, “Well, that about does it for the ones in here. Let’s get the two out by the stile.”

When the boys reached the fence and collected the last two walnuts, the older one noticed the Winos. “Hey, look at them They’re running as if the devil was chasin' ‘em.”

If you aren’t giggling - or at least smiling - you have no sense of humor, at least not for old, maybe somewhat corny, jokes. God bless you, anyway.


  1. Oh you made my day...nothing better than laughter! Your grandmother was priceless, may I remember that when I am a grandmother...funny thing, it is the ones who don't follow Emily Post who we remember.

    These are great...going to share with my son...then we can laugh together.

    Thanks, thanks, thanks!!!

  2. You are so welcome, Janette. I couldn't resist posting these. It's been kind of a dark week and I needed some cheering up. You are right, laughter brightens the world. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  3. Cecelia- that was hilarious!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time- I really lost it when the two fellows thought God and the Devil were taking their pick. I really love old time humor. There is a lot to be said for a time when we didn't have to tear someone down to be funny- it's just good 'ol dumb human antics that are so funny.

    Bless you sweetie and thanks for the boost!!

  4. LOL I remember hearing that last one years ago. I love that one! Thanks for the great giggle of the day!

  5. I'm glad you had a good laugh, Terrie. As corny as those jokes were, I never forgot them. They still make me giggle. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  6. Thanks for stopping by, Lynn. Yes, these jokes a ancient. I was just a little girl when my grandmother told them to me. However, you are the only other person I knew who has heard any of them. Proximity, maybe? My grandmother was from Missouri.


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