October 31, 2018

Fear

Some people are afraid of spiders, black cats, ghosts, goblins, zombies, heights, or snakes. Some of these are legitimate fears, others irrational. I have my own mix of terrors. I never used to be scared of heights, but I am now. I don’t like spiders, but I’m not afraid of them. Same with snakes. I am terrified of grizzly bears and one other thing — death. But not my own.

After losing two husbands, I was terrified God would take my current one too soon. He’s healthy, and there is no indication his death was imminent, but I still worried.

In truth, I also worried about my son when he was first born. My brother died from SIDS at three months, and I agonized over the possibility my child would too. After the anniversary month passed, I relaxed, only to have that worry replaced by another. Even my brush with breast cancer was not as terrifying as my anxiety over losing my husband.

This changed last Sunday.

God used another series of odd coincidences to first get my attention and then remind me of His promise that my husband and I would grow old together. At the same time, I realized I was worrying about things out of my control. With that revelation, my apprehensions melted, vanished, disappeared.

I have not woken in the middle of the night to check on my husband’s breathing. When he slept late, I did not sneak into the room and watch for the rise and fall of his chest. His errands the other day ran longer than I expected, but I didn’t pace the floor wringing my hands, or stare out the window willing his truck to appear.

I know one day death will separate us for a time, but when it comes, God will already be there offering His comfort and His strength.

The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom [or what] shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?

I believe to see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living. Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord. 

I do believe. 


October 18, 2018

Joy and Happiness

I have more joy and happiness at this stage of my life than at any other time, but it is only the eye of the storm. How can I keep this sense of contentment when the next hurricane hits? I posted the answer six years ago, and I think it's time for a reminder.

How to Have a Joyful Mind. 

Joy and happiness. Webster's dictionary states the two are synonyms, basically interchangeable. Scripture speaks of joy in a different light. It refers to joy as a sense of contentment regardless of our circumstances. In other words, the peace the world cannot give.

I've searched most of my life for a way to reach this rung in the spiritual ladder. I've tried many different methods: intense prayer, relaxation and mediation exercises, positive thinking and so much more.

They all helped to a degree. Yes, prayer can accomplish anything - if you are praying the right kind of prayer and with the right motivation. Merely begging God to change your circumstances will not leave you feeling joyful and filled with peace, unless you can give the circumstances to Him - completely - and then move on.

That's where I struggle, along with several other issues. Like an alcoholic at an AAA meeting, I must stand up and admit I am a worrier, I am a control freak, I am judgmental of others, I am selfish,  and I could go on, but you get the idea. And, I know I am not alone.

So, how do we flawed creatures find joy when faced with our own flaws, when faced with the flaws of others and the issues surrounding our troubling circumstances? A very good question.

In answer, I have found the book, The Naked Now by Richard Rohr to be one of the most insightful books I have read. Father Rohr gives a non-denominational, non-political, all encompassing insight into accepting and coping with our imperfections, those of everyone around us, and of our world.

Listed below are a few suggestions from the book that impacted my life greatly. These gems, repeated often throughout my day have enabled me to remain in a joyful, peaceful state of mind for longer periods than at any other time in my life - regardless of the turmoil surrounding me.

What might a joyful mind be?

When your mind does not need to be right.
When you no longer need to compare yourself with others.
When you no longer need to compete - not even in your own head.
When your mind can be creative, but without needing anyone to know.
When your mind does not "brood over injuries."
When you do not need to humiliate, critique, or defeat those who have hurt you - not even in your mind.

Thank you, Lord, for leading me to this wonderful source of spiritual insight,  for giving me the encouragement to follow the suggestions, and for being patient through my many failures. As you have told me over and over, it isn't how many times I fail, it is how hard I try that matters. Amen.

October 05, 2018

An Unexpected Journey Revisited


I re-encountered this young woman during a recent visit back to my hometown. She re-emerged with each story and picture my family shared.

I don't remember the day the photo was taken, but I do recall it was in September of my senior year. I was seventeen.

I was dating my first husband at the time and had no clue what was coming. I wouldn't say I was innocent, (my family could quickly illustrate that was not the case), I was however, naïve. Growing up in a loving Christian home, I couldn't imagine the horrors some people could inflict on others. This young girl found out too quickly it isn't always safe to trust someone who says they love you.

Her eyes still hold the confidence and the assurance of the young. In many ways she was a remarkable young woman, accomplished and talented, with a lot of self-discipline. Looking back, I wish I could regain many of those traits life gradually pounded away.

There are a few similarities between the younger woman and this older one. 

Both women love to paint, to write, to be outdoors and be with family. The older woman is a bit softer, not quite as self-assured, and definitely not as disciplined, but she has no desire to go back and repeat the forty-eight years the girl has yet to face. She is too old and too tired.

And yet, one thing this older woman has that the younger one has yet to gain - a deep faith in a loving God. This came about through the tragedies, through the trials, and this older woman wouldn't change any of it, except perhaps the times she was unkind to others. A regret I believe most of us have.

Over all, I am happy with where I am in my life and who I have grown up to be. I have accepted my warts, my flaws, and my imperfections. I even manage to ignore the extra pounds and wrinkles on most days, and I can keep my accomplishments and talents in proper perspective, while still admiring the end result.

It isn't over yet. I still have stories to tell and paintings to finish, places to explore and people to love, not to mention continuing as God's witness while I walk upon this beautiful earth.

Bless all young people just setting out on their life journeys. 

May God be with them, always, as He has been for me.